BC - Thu, 6/9/11

I just had a thought that might tie some people together.  The black guy (let's call him NoName for now) guarding and feeding Erica might be the father of Maya's baby, although he looks a little old for it.  Maya, who lives with her drunken, uncaring aunt, might be the little girl in Jane's precious photo. Jane seems to have something on NoName; he certainly has some kind of allegiance to her, coerced or not. Maybe he and she both feel responsible for Maya's disappearance/alienation, however that came about. Colby thinks of Erica as her idol (making Erica into Erica Idol :-) . Colby is getting friendlier with Maya. Asher just came home after being hurt in the explosion that Jane arranged. Caleb was with him.  Colby gave Asher the keys to one of her cars.

Will all of these players somehow join together in a series of coincidences leading to the discovery of Erica in the kidnapper's lair and of Jane's discovery of Maya, and NoName's discovery that Maya had been pregnant with their child, and that Brot rescued the baby she abandoned who is probably somewhere in Pine Valley?

Robin "the mind boggles" Coutellier

BC - Tue, 9/7/10, Part 1

Okay, David is dead. Presumably. The suspects are innumerable given what an evil, obnoxious, scheming, manipulative man he was. Really, we don't know yet if he died from a beating or poison or what, so even people IN the room when he staggered in are suspects. Of course, David being David, he COULD just be letting people THINK he died. Until we see the autopsy, we won't REALLY know. He's had a LOT of practice arranging for other people to be fake-dead, after all.

OR, maybe David chose this moment to end his own life in a dramatic way. Maybe he found out he really DID have a terminal disease. This way he can do a lot of damage with lots of suspects. Yeah he and Ryan were beating each other ,and he may have gotten into it physically with someone else after THAT, but what if he also took some sort of time-delay, undetectable potion he made that made him die?

Jake performed CPR on David for a total of about 26 seconds before declaring him "gone". Now THAT is a dedicated doctor!

I was wrong about the white dress on the extra I described in the last Boogie Chillen. Those aren't pouches, just some giant flaps of some kind. There may or may not be bow-like appendages to the side of the giant flaps. Whatever it is, it's HIDEOUS! The black dashes I described before, up close, are actually large square shiny things, similar to sequins, but much, MUCH bigger.

LOD:
Mayor Blanco: "Your ethics are not a priority right now!"

Liza doesn't HAVE ethics. Truer words were never spoken in Pine Valley, regardless of the situation or people involved.

Have papers been signed as far as Liza being the new DA? Didn't that JUST happen right before the party, with the mayor telling her in passing? Does anyone in town OTHER than the mayor know that Liza is the DA? Oh, apparently the governor of PA approved it. That doesn't mean it's official, though, unless Liza filled out some paperwork.

Liza has way, Way, WAAAAY too many connections to David to be a prosecutor in this case. He delivered Colby. He's an enemy of Tad, with whom she has an off-and-on relationship. He's an enemy of Zach, whom she also loves. He's blackmailed HER on occasion, forcing her to represent him. She DID represent him (as she stated to the mayor). For all those reasons and more, there's no way in HELL she would be able to get anywhere near this case in real life. Don't they have an Assistant DA? Also, she falsely accused Jesse of raping or attempting to rape her when they were teens. It was a long time ago, but they should NOT be working together on a murder case. I don't know the solution to that kind of ethical dilemma in real life. In PV life, it won't matter one whit.

All things considered, Jesse did a lousy job of securing the crime scene. While he did need to tell people it was a crime scene and not to leave, he should also have been standing over the corpse and trying to guard it from being contaminated. Why is everyone from the party STILL hanging around on the terrace well after David died but his body was still there? Shouldn't they have been herded into a ballroom or something? But nooooooo, they're walking all over the place and sitting at tables, milling around the railing between the walkway and the terrace, getting all manner of contaminants (hairs, fibers, dust, sequins, feathers, etc.) on things. For all the police know, people are standing behind the railing and spitting on the corpse! There could be blood or other DNA evidence transferred to the railing during his fall. The extras probably stepped on TOP of his body to walk by when Greenlee was at the very nearby table with Amanda, because there really wasn't much room to do otherwise. And, of course, someone threw their jacket over him a few moments after Jake pronounced him dead, which, in itself, is contaminating the body and crime scene. What a bunch of knuckleheads.

Then Greenlee kneels down and holds David's hand and cries over him, contaminating the body and her OWN body by touching him. For all the cops know, she's also removing or planting some kind of evidence. TOTALLY bogus!

That ring Greenlee is wearing is GIGANTIC; it's at LEAST a 1"x1.5" rectangle that I would only expect to see on someone at Halloween or perhaps at a costume party. Maybe it's a locket and it's where she keeps her mad money, the key to her safety deposit box and few other spare rings. Here's a practical question: How does she wipe herself without getting it caught on the underside of the toilet seat? That thing is big enough to BE a toilet seat!

Greenlee tells David's body that he deserved better than this. No he didn't. He deserved far WORSE, given what he's done to people over the years. All things considered, it was a pretty tame death, even if he DID get beat up first. For someone of David's caliber and history, you would at LEAST expect some preliminary torture or bizarre punishment or other more exotic death like being buried alive under a park bench (oops, BTDT). Some other options:

• He could have been thrown into a garbage bin just before pickup and been crushed in the truck or suffocated under tons of garbage.

• He could have been tied to a railroad track.

• He could have been asphyxiated from the overwhelmingly powerful air-freshener in his room or all the perfume, cologne, dry cleaning chemicals and dryer-sheet scents wafting from all the party-goers and waiters.
  

• He could have been stabbed with a BBQ fork.
  

• How about he punched someone who had just put a cocktail weenie into their mouth and the punch made the weenie fly out of that guy's mouth and into David's, causing David to choke to death?
  

• He could have burned some gift from Greenlee in a fireplace and died from toxic fumes.
  

• He could have gotten stuck in a revolving door in the Chandler tunnels, became nauseous, and choked on his own vomit.

• One of his Facebook friends could have been mad when he unfriended them, so they posted an ad on Craigslist pretending to be him and asked someone to kill and eat him.

• He could have slipped in the shower, fallen through the glass and landed with his head in the toilet.
  

• Angie could have bit him when he poked his finger in her face one too many times and the virus she has mutated and went straight to his heart.
  

• How about he tripped on the stairs, an extra behind him can't stop in time and her stiletto heel punctures his skull and skewers his brain?
  

• Maybe someone sets it up so that it looks like he died from autoerotic asphyxiation?
  

• Spontaneous combustion? I'm kind of surprised he didn't just shrivel up, leaving only his clothes and a wisp of steam or pile of ashes.
  

• An infected papercut? On his tongue?

• SOMETHING other than him being punched a lot which, let's face it, is kind of a normal day for him? Okay, maybe he has been punched SO many times during his time in PV that this was the last straw and he just imploded.
  

• There should have been coyotes howling when he keeled over or a flock of seagulls passing and pooping on him.
  

They should have given us a death scene that consisted of more than him staggering in, everyone turning to look at him and him keeling over, just like that. A fall over a railing from a not-quite-3-feet above the terrace doesn't really cut it in the drama department. He should have been staggering all OVER the place, tossing out little insults and goodbye stuff like "Tell eBabe I love her" and "Greenlee loves ME, not Ryan" and "Hey Tad, Dixie was a GREAT f**k!" and "Don't forget to feed my goldfish" and "The person who did this to me is ........... uh-oh ..." Thud.

Come ON! How about a little CREATIVITY, writers! Okay, it's too late for an exotic death, coyotes howling or seagulls pooping on him. At the very LEAST, can we find out when they undress him at the morgue that he's wearing lady's underwear? A Wonderbra, a lacy thong, garter belt and stockings isn't TOO much to ask for, is it? And we want to SEE it.

Oh well, maybe Vanessa and/or Leo will show up at the funeral. They never found the bodies, after all.

David's been dead for a while. So why did a cop just THEN go to his room? Shouldn't someone have been posted there right away (and NOT gone in until Forensics had a chance to investigate) considering his room was right there at the yacht club?

All things considered, did it ever occur to Kendall's pea-brain that Ryan might need medical assistance? He IS semi-fresh out of a coma from a brain aneurysm, after all and he clearly has amnesia. Protecting him as far as David goes isn't going to matter much if he's (further) brain-damaged or dead (again). Why hasn't she at least taken care of the gash on his face? For that matter, why isn't blood smeared all over his face instead of just near the gash? You would think it would have bled profusely.

Apropos of nothing, I think they should introduce Mayor Blanco's famous daughter and have her (if she's of age) start a relationship with Bianca. If they got married, Bianca could be Bianca Blanco. Then we could call her BiancaBlonkaDonk.

Robin "who will be our Snidely Whiplash NOW?" Coutellier

BC - Tue-Wed, 4/27-28/10

Liza tells Tad that, for reasons that are too obvious to spell out, any kind of relationship between Colby and Damon is a no-starter. That got me to thinking about what, exactly, ARE the obvious reasons. Some are obvious and some are more subtle.

• Damon is headed for prison if he keeps on the way he's been going. Okay, that IS obvious.

• Tad is Damon's bio father.
  

• Tad has had sex with:

• Liza (Colby's Mom)Hillary (Damon's Mom)
• Marian (Colby's Grandmother and Aunt)
• Dixie (one of Adam's ex-wives & JAR's mother)
• Brooke (one of Adam's ex-wives)
• Gloria (one of Adam's ex-wives)
• Krystal (one of Adam's ex-wives)
• Mia (Liza's sister)
• Skye (Adam's daughter)

• Tad has had sex with JaNut, Amanda's Mom (when JaNut was pretending to be "Jane"). Amanda is married to Jake, who is Tad's brother. (Ewww, THAT ick-factor just now occurred to me). Jake was SUPPOSED to be Colby's father via sperm donation, and he tried to get custody of Colby when she was a baby.

• Jamie is Damon's brother and the son of Brooke and Tad. Jamie has had sex with Babe, who is Krystal's daughter. Krystal was Colby's stepmother and Colby helped her to deliver Jenny on the floor of the mansion. JAR's current wife Marissa (aka eBabe) is also Krystal's daughter. Jamie also had sex with Amanda (see above), as did JAR. bbc

The fact that all this interconnected sex went on is not a hindrance for the two potential young lovers, but it definitely has an ick factor that could come up at social functions and family dinners if one allows one's mind to try to connect the dots.

Why would they have a sting (and a really STUPID, spur-of-the-moment, poorly-thought-out sting at that) at the Fusion office? That's giving KNOWN batshit crazy people (well at least they know ONE of them is batshit crazy) open access to the inside of corporate offices! Did anyone wear bulletproof vests? Of course not. There was really no protection WHATSOEVER other than having a couple of police officers there.

Robin "Fusion: Our Products Will Kill Your Brain Cells" Coutellier

BC - Tue, 9/29/09

Oh please -- who has a VCR or DVR nowadays that makes backwards chipmonk noises when rewound during play? Just Jake, apparently.

Why couldn't Amanda walk in from the car on her own? It's not like she was out cold -- otherwise she wouldn't be holding herself in such a stiffly obvious pose, she'd just be limply dangling in David's arms.

The scene changes from Amanda prettily waking up to Kendall furiously pounding on the door to be let out of her cel--er--room. I didn't realize that it was a such a relief not to see Kendall yesterday, in all her shining stupidity, distracted as I was marveling at the stupidity of holding a last-minute marathon in a cramped, tacky office. It may be morning, but Kendall doesn't know if someone else might be out there, so pounding on the door and yelling is foolhardy, at best, although not nearly as stupid as invisibly leaving her child with the neighbors and showing up at a televised marathon to spy on her husband.

David tells Trevor that he (and Amanda) are going to teach Trevor how to be a good man and how to love. Well, AMANDA might do that -- I have a tough time seeing DAVID do that. Meanwhile, Amanda falls for soap trick #5: a despicable man is nice (or worse, tender) to a child/infant in view of a woman and the woman melts, canceling out every heinous thing the man has ever done not only in his life, but TO that specific woman. Amanda's such a SAP! Oh wait, she didn't fall for it. Well, THAT'S refreshing ... OFGS, it looks like she DID fall for it by the time morning rolled around.

Sooo, Aidan DID obtain Ian from the neighbors? A strange foreigner who speaks halting English shows up and says he's there to pick up the rich and famous baby and they, apparently, just hand him over. They also apparently never questioned why the invisible babysitter rushed out and left Ian alone until they could mosey on over to take care of him. Frankly, I would think a call to CPS by the neighbors is warranted.

Angie wonders where she left her purse. Excuse me? A "big" event like that and she just sets her purse down somewhere? This wasn't a BBQ at her friend's house -- it was a televised event with camerapeople, reporters, psychotic and deceitful people like Annie and Madison, deceitful-in-the-extreme, mustache-twirling people like David and Adam and just plain strangers. I hope the only thing she had in her purse was lipstick, because that may be the only thing LEFT in her purse by now.

Krystal is looking very good. She's lost some weight and possibly had some work done. Good for you, Girl -- it's workin' for ya!

Why did Natalia haul a police manual in her purse with her to the marathon? I guess she wanted a little light reading for her break times. Did Angie have a copy of Grey's Anatomy in HER bag? Too late -- it's probably already listed on eBay.

If Kendall gets a new trial (or rather A trial, since she pled guilty without one), how are they planning to swap out her and the impersonator in her jail cell? For that matter, if they CAN'T get Kendall legally freed, how long is her impersonator supposed to sit in the cell pretending to be Kendall?

Ryan tells Erica that he has always thought of the two of them as equal. Really? How about when she was going to be your mother-in-law? What about when she was going to be your stepmother? Never thought of her THAT way? What about Spike? Is he supposed to refer to Erica as Mommy Erica? Not that he knows her as a grandmother, in any case, but this situation is just stomach-turning.

Did Erica and Ryan actually HAVE sex yet. It seemed like they got together to talk about it (after being interrupted), but it's not clear if they took up where they left off or if they just continued rubbing and slobbering all over each other without consummating the act. I suspect they didn't and we'll still see a scene where they at least find a BED to do it in. Grandma might be in great shape for her age, but doing it on tables, desks, floors or rocks could result in broken bones. If they DID have sex, did they use a condom?

If they carry out this ridiculous Ryan/Erica pairing, would they have Erica get pregnant? We all know Susan Lucci is in her 60s, but Erica, having finally given up the ghost on staying 35, will probably only admit to 45 or 50, so it's a possibility. Maybe THAT's how they'll end the show once and for all after it gets canceled, which can't be far behind after AMC moves to CA and the main cast players stay in NY. Erica gets pregnant and she dies in childbirth (if Kendall, Annie or a resurrected Greenlee don't kill her first). Greenlee may show up again and take Ryan back from Erica. Emma and Spike, meanwhile decide to join forces for a family Thanksgiving dinner that NO ONE will ever forget.

What is Natalia's problem with Brot? She had to be taught how to get the upper hand on a suspect by RANDI, so why does she think it will be SOOOO hard for Brot, a war veteran, to pass a test to get into the academy? SHE passed it and she had NO experience in any form of Security work or traning, whatsoever.

Robin "maybe this means Brot will stay with the show after the move (good!)" Coutellier

BC - Mon, 9/28/09

Would you want Angie treating you at PVH after she spent all night at a dance marathon?

Where did the nanny go? Amanda handed Trevor off to Krystal to watch.

Did anyone else get whiplashed by two pop-culture evocations from Erica, one after the other? First Erica tells Ryan that the LAST thing she wants to hear from him are the words "I'm sorry" (Love Story - "Love means never having to say you're sorry"), followed by telling him that she doesn't want him changing for her because she likes him just the way he is (Billy Joel - "Just the Way You Are"). Then I noticed that Erica's dance couple number is 10. Is that their not-so-subtle way of labeling her as a 10 (yet another pop-culture reference, ala the movie "10").

Whose bright idea was it to drop all that confetti fall in the OFFICE? Who's going to clean THAT up? The (invisible) people in the office are going to be picking confetti out of crevices for WEEKS.

Speaking of crevices, Ryan and Erica are in the process of getting it on in her office. EWWWWWWWW!!! He's the father of her GRANDSON and on-and-off lover of her DAUGHTER and the presumed SON of the man she was going to marry (Chris Stamp)! Either way, Ryan would have been referring to her as "Mom" in one form or another. And now they are ripping their clothes off with each other, swapping spit and grinding pelvises, among other things. EWWWWWWWWW!!! Surprisingly, the age difference didn't bother me THAT much (okay SOME, but not as much as I thought it might), but the squick factor of the near incest connections skeeves me out PLENTY! Let's break it down, shall we?

Erica is the biological mother of Kendall, Bianca and Josh. Erica was formerly engaged to the late Chris Stamp, who was presumed for a while to be Ryan's biological father. Erica was temporarily married to Jack, her long-term on-again/off-again lover. Jack is Greenlee's biological father. Josh and Greenlee had hooked up on occasion. Greenlee was married to Ryan and was Kendall's best friend (and occasional enemy). Kendall was driving on the wrong side of the road, forcing Greenlee to lose control of a motorcycle and to disappear over a cliff; she was presumably killed in the process. Kendall and Ryan then started hooking up (yet AGAIN) before Greenlee even had time to decompose. Kendall is mother to Spike and Ian. Ryan is Spike's biological father and stepfather to Ian. Ryan is also the biological father of Emma and was formerly married to Emma's crazy, homicidal mother, Annie. Annie, Kendall, Greenlee, Adam and Ryan have all worked at Fusion in various capacities. Annie (aka InSannie) is now engaged to Adam, who has twice been married to Erica. Adam will become Emma's stepfather when/if he and Annie get married. Somewhere in all of this is a novelty song waiting to happen (along the lines of "I'm My Own Grandpa").

Robin "let me reiterate: EWWWWWWWWW!!!" Coutellier