Sunday, June 28, 2009

BC - Fri, 6/26/09

This is actually from Thursday's show: Why is Scott wearing a suit? Unless he's meeting with people, it strikes me as odd. I suppose he has to project a corporate image, but I thought he wanted to CHANGE the corporate image.

For someone who is clandestinely listening in on Annie's conversation with a shrink, Ryan sure isn't hiding very well. Who stands directly in front of an uncovered portion of a window, staring in, just to listen? And why is the curtain blowing to indicate that the window is open when the window is obviously SHUT?

I know she's just acting to create a diversion, but Liza is REALLY laying it on thick! For a 40-something woman who's already had one child, she sure is acting like a baby! Plus, there would be a LITTLE respite between contractions, so there was no need to keep moaning and groaning and yelling CONTINUOUSLY. Well, except for the diversion aspect. Again, though, David should have seen RIGHT THROUGH it! It was so CHEESY!

What did they do, just go to Babe's grave, dig in and put the urn in it? They only decided to bury the "baby's" ashes with Babe a few minutes before. Do the people who own the cemetery know about the impromptu grave-digging?

I cannot believe Liza is having Colby STAY THERE and hold her hand during her "delivery". This is one of the STUPIDEST things they've ever done on the show! And why, if she's in labor, is she still wearing a SUIT JACKET? I wouldn't be surprised to see that she was still wearing spiked heels.

Colby actually helped deliver Jenny. One would think she might NOTICE a) the difference between a baby that's at least a week old and one fresh out of the womb, b) that the baby is immaculately clean and dry, c) that it's eyes are NOT all squished looking, and d) that there's no umbilical cord attached. I know Colby is S.T.U.P.I.D., but this is ridiculous! If this is how Liza improvises, I sure as hell wouldn't want HER for a lawyer!

Why were Jake and Liza in the BASEMENT?

Tad was driving me crazy the way he kept turning around to look back at the baby in the backseat as he spoke to the oblivious wee one. He talked a lot about how protective he felt, but it seem seem all that protective to ME for him to be constantly taking his eyes off the road. Maybe THAT'S why he got pulled over.

Tidbit: Tad's address is 3420 Canyon Drive.

Robin "that was one STUPID episode" Coutellier

Thursday, June 25, 2009

BC - Wed, 6/24/09

Annie needles Erica (right back) about the difference between then; Erica is a convicted felon, whereas Annie is innocent until proven guilty. Erica says she only served a mere four months, whereas Annie is looking at LIFE in prison. Uh, Erica is leaving out the part where she was PREVIOUSLY convicted and served (precious little) time for KIDNAPPING a baby (little Maddie Gray, aka Lil Honey, aka Sonya).

I DID enjoy the sparring between Erica and Annie, although it was ABSURD and contrived for Adam to have invited Erica and not to retract the invitation once he found out that Ryan was going to be her escort.

Robin "Annie should have gotten in a dig about Erica being a GRANDMOTHER" Coutellier

BC - Tue, 6/23/09

Ryan tells Erica that between Adam and his security, he can't get anywhere NEAR Annie. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!! ANYONE can get into Adam's house at ANY time! You have to be a special kind of STUPID to not be able to get into Adam's house.

The D.A. tells Jack that, as far as his case against Kendall goes, there's means, motive and opportunity. I don't know about the means part. She didn't bring so much as a nail file with her. The gun she had she FOUND there. As for motive, most states nowadays do NOT require the State to prove a motive.

I do NOT care of Jamie Lunar's version of Liza. She's so one-note. It's B-O-R-I-N-G.

See, I TOLD you it was easy to get into Adam's house (not that everyone doesn't already know that).

I can't believe the woman trying on the little black dress is being COMPLETELY oblivious to the fact that not only are Adam and Erica talking about the dress she's wearing, but Erica is standing right NEXT to her and pointing to it and discussing it as if the woman is a mannequin.

Robin "Erica should have told the woman that a homicidal maniac was planning to wear the same dress" Coutellier

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

BC - Mon, 6/22/09

InsAnnie excuses herself when Erica arrives at the Chandler mansion, saying that she has some unpacking to do. WHAT unpacking? Was she driving a uHaul over to Europe and back with all her belongings? Did she have a suitcase in her jail cell? Did she just get a delivery of antique knives and muskets from an eBay seller? I hate to think of where she might have stashed her blow-dryer.

Oh please! Are we supposed to believe that Randi and D.A. North were like Rick and Ilsa in Casablanca? He waited all day for her at the train station! He looked for her for WEEKS! Obviously HE's not going to figure out that the problems of three little people don't add up to a hill of beans in this crazy world.

Robin "What IS Adam up to?" Coutellier

Monday, June 22, 2009

BC - Fri, 6/19/09

The D.A.'s escort had quite an attitude, didn't she? She didn't even say a word, yet she came across as arrogant, smug, and self-righteous yet deferential to the D.A. WITHOUT mugging. It was fairly subtle, really. I like her. So far.

Why is Frankie lying in bed wearing a hospital gown? Does he really NEED to be undressed and tucked in a bed for them to do a checkup on his HANDS?

Jesse tells Angie that "what that boy NEEDS is to PROCESS this!" What that boy needs is for his father to stop calling him a BOY, ESPECIALLY now that he's feeling helpless and useless. I know it's a parental thing, and Lord knows it's hard to stop thinking of your adult child as a child, no matter HOW old they get, but I think now might be a good time to at least TRY.

I was THRILLED to hear Liza refer to Ryan as a "grossly negligent father", even if it WAS facetious and in the form of a question.

OMG Annie is actually BATTING HER EYES at Adam. He's such a SAP!

Adam offers his home for Annie to stay while she's out on bail (which he will pay). EXCUSE ME? This woman is a homicidal maniac, even if she DID save Adam's life, so WTF is he inviting her into his home where his little GRANDCHILD lives? What IS his game? Does he think SHE killed Stuart and he's just trying to maneuver her into some kind of cold revenge? If he is, he's hiding it well. WHEW! I was glad to hear the judge echo my concern about Junior Junior living in the same house as Annie! So he boots JAR and Junior Junior out of the house so Annie can stay there. WTF? Now we KNOW there's more to it than doing something out of gratitude and the goodness of his heart. There HAS to be.

Erica to Ryan: "But there is no way in Hell that Adam is going to push out JAR and his little grandson from the mansion just so that Hannibal Lector's little sister can move in!" LOL!

Considering the kind of havoc that's been wreaked at so VERY many Kane family dinners at the Valley Inn, you'd think the staff at the Yacht Club wouldn't be NEARLY as eager to have her as a patron. To be fair, though, most of her appearances at the YC so far have been pretty tame.

I had to laugh at how all the patrons were gawking at the famous Erica, ERICA KANE, though. 1) Most of the time the patrons simply ignore her to the point you can't be sure they even realize that she EXISTS. 2) They're showing only YOUNG people being awestruck in her presence. Most younger people would NOT be so ridiculously starstruck over a woman of Erica's age, no matter HOW good she looks. Plus, this is the YC, not Walmart. The clientele is supposed to be more upscale and, you would think, at least a bit more subtle about their idolatry. I'd buy it a bit more if the starstruck patrons were in at LEAST their 40s, and even then you'd think they would have acquired a little more class by that age than to overtly go gaga over a celebrity in their midst. The way they were portraying it, I'm surprised a herd of teenagers didn't descend upon her, screaming and swooning in the excitement and glamor of it all.

Ah, I see Randi recognizes the good D.A. THAT should come in handy. I have a feeling he's been quite handy, INDEED, when it comes (so to speak) to Randi. Telegraph much?

UGH! That's a BUTT-UGLY top Colby is wearing!

eBabe sure wears shorts a lot. She should wear something else once in a while, lest people think thinking of her as the Peggy Hill of Pine Valley.

Robin "what size shoe does eBabe wear?" Coutellier

Friday, June 19, 2009

BC - Thu, 6/18/09

Ryan says he came to the Slater house because Emma wanted to see Spike and Ian. At NIGHT? Here's the thing, Ryan: She's the child and YOU are the adult. You ARE allowed to say NO sometimes and you can justify it with a "because I SAID so". He doesn't even bother to ask Kendall and/or Zach if it's okay to come over with Emma. Self-entitled much?

David sure sobered up FAST! All the people in PV go from slobbering drunk to completely sober within mere MINUTES.

Okay, that's it! I'm tired of being coy about it. Greenlee, Greenlee, GREENLEE!!! Geeze foreshadow much?

Robin "do Emma, Spike or Ian ever throw screaming tantrums?" Coutellier

BC - Wed, 6/17/09

Liza is dong a VERY crappy job of pretending to be pregnant, and ESPECIALLY at being pregnant and ready to pop. You'd think ANYONE would see right through it. She's walking around in her spiked heels and her low-cut dress with a pushup bra. And she's WALKING -- STRUTTING, even! Any woman who has ever been pregnant knows that at that point in a pregnancy, you are leaning backwards trying to balance yourself with the heavy load in front (about 20 lbs -- it's not just the weight of the baby, itself) and are, most likely, WADDLING, at least a little bit. You'll probably have swollen ankles, too. The way she presents herself is TOTALLY bogus! Of course, the pregnancy itself IS totally bogus, but everyone else in town are total idiots not to have figured it out yet. At the very LEAST, David should have figured it out.

David keeps walking into the Martin house and doing nefarious things such as planting bugs. And Jake and Amanda KNOW that. So why do they insist on constantly talking about their baby plans in the living room?

Why is everyone acting like all that has to happen is that Annie is declared "sane" and then she'll be out? If she gets declared "sane", THEN she gets to stand trial for killing her brother, kidnapping, stabbing Erica, etc. And what about Aidan? If/when she spills the beans, he'll be on the hook for aiding and abetting her multiple escapes and the first kidnapping. I'll buy that she was insane when she stabbed Erica. I buy it much LESS when she bludgeoned Richie to death. I don't buy it at ALL when she kidnapped Emma OR kept breaking out of various places. She put WAAAAAAAY too much cunning and planning into most of those acts for her to get off with a plea of insanity.

Robin "she'll probably only get probation, if that" Coutellier

Thursday, June 18, 2009

BC - Mon-Tue, 6/15-16/09

How many of you about choked when Tad told Liza that "Your daughter is nothing if not incredibly BRIGHT ..."? She's about as bright as a nightlight with an energy-saving 4-watt bulb.

The baby DOES kind of look like David. Maybe it's the little tiny scowl.

Oh, I guess Kendall is NOT wearing a cocktail dress -- it just looked like it from the top up, along with lots of jewelry. To stay by the side of her recuperating baby.

If Frankie didn't want to face the people who know him yet, why did he go to CONFUSION, where everyone in town goes?

I thought Kendall came to Ryan's apt to pick up a few things. She just walked out after getting upset and didn't take a thing with her. Now she'll have to go back again.

Well, obviously the speculations about the mystery patient are true. And that patient just tried to call Ryan until Nurse Ratchett--er--Nurse Gayle intercepted the phone.

Robin "something smells fishy here" Coutellier

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

BC - Thu, 6/11/09

Hearing problem or not, for a 3-yr-old, Spike sure doesn't talk very well. The triplets who play him turned 3 a couple of months ago, which surprises me, because they all seem a lot younger.

Jake mused about what Paulo would say to Consuela on their telenovela. Nothing. Her name is Consue-LO. I'm guessing Paulo is the one who crashed the wedding of Marco and Consuelo.

I am just REALLY uncomfortable with this whole storyline of Amanda thinking that she has to give away her baby because of David. Yeah, he's going to hound her and her child for the rest of their lives, but what if she gives the baby away and then David dies 2 years later? Then she'll have given her beloved baby away for nothing! All she REALLY has to do is tell her mother about it (assuming they didn't kill off JaNut and forget to tell us about it, which they seemed to be hinting at the other day). JaNut WOULD find a way to permanently solve the problem, rest assured. Aidan would probably be willing to help her escape. He seems to have an issue with boundaries, after all. And Amanda STILL hasn't had any kind of DNA test to indicate that the baby even IS David's biological child. David is right -- she IS stupid.

Why didn't Ryan STAY with Emma for her visit with Angie at the hospital? Most parents stay with their children for things like that; they don't use the DOCTORS as babysitters. What if Angie had to rush away for a code red or something? Ryan is an incredibly self-centered, neglectful father! He always HAS been ever since he found out he WAS a father. His initial instincts about having children and being a bad father were on target. He may not be physically abusing them, but he's a lousy father, nonetheless.

WTF is Kendall wearing a cocktail dress and a necklace that goes clear down to her BELLY to visit with her toddler who just had heart surgery ... again?

Jack's looking mighty orange. They need to adjust the color of his tanning spray.

I call B-O-G-U-S on Opal having all of Tad's old toys in a storage locker. He didn't specify whether it was Ruth or Opal that kept them, but I'm pretty sure he meant Opal. Ruth and Joe would have stored that stuff at home and lost it all in the tornado several years back unless it had all been in the basement. Opal and Jenny came to town on a bus with almost NOTHING but the clothes on their backs. There is NO WAY Opal would have been paying for a storage locker all these years. She might have been able to afford it after marrying Palmer or Mr. Purdy but NOT before then. Her worldly goods would have been LONG gone, and she would never have been able to afford most of that stuff in the first place when Tad OR Jenny were kids.

And speaking of those toys, was that toy gun a foreshadowing or just part of the writers' continuing fascination with showing guns on the show in whatever way and as often as they possibly can?

That's a MIGHTY clean and dry baby for being fresh out of the womb. That had to hurt! Amanda might want to consider using a lubricant in the future.

So, how will they find out that Jake is really the father of Amanda's baby (assuming that he IS)? Will they go the baby-needs-a-transfusion route? How about a birthmark? Maybe it will need a bone-marrow transplant. Maybe Joe or Ruth will say that the baby is the IMAGE of Jake when he was a baby. Or maybe they'll just figure out that there's no way that baby arrived "early". Then again, Jake didn't seem to notice it. David is right -- Jake IS stupid.

Robin "will they call the baby 'Trevor'?" Coutellier

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Does Liza have a legal speciality? For instance, is she good at contract law, tax law, corporate law, criminal law, entertainment law, family law, etc.? Maybe she just specialized in PINE VALLEY law.

Did anyone else cringe when Spike, in an impromptu performance, stood up on the couch and reached over the table behind it to grab some blocks? I'm thinking of all the full decanters just sitting there waiting for a toddler to imbibe. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!

David insists it won't make any difference if Amanda and Jake get married -- he'll STILL get his child. If it doesn't make any difference, then WHY did he go there to stop the marriage in the first place? More to the point (AGAIN), why hasn't anyone called the police about this person who keeps stalking them, walking into their house, verbally attacking everyone and refusing to leave? They are in serious need of a restraining order. Punching him and tying him up is getting pretty old, and there ARE children in the house. The children should not be exposed to stalking, punching OR tying people up. And where ARE the children? Tad, Krystal and Opal are all there, so where is Jenny? Where is Kathy? Kathy would LOVE to be a flower girl or at least BE there for something like that, especially if she got to dress up. I call B-O-G-U-S!

And why on EARTH would Amanda and Jake want to have their ceremony continue with the bound and gagged David sitting right there? That's not funny and it's CERTAINLY not romantic! Talk about a blight on their wedding!

Watching David sitting there, it occurred to me that if he really wanted to make a splash at the wedding and get back at them, he should pee in the chair they've got him tied to. The least he could do is to muster up a couple of eye-watering farts in the bridal couple's direction.

Erica sweetly commiserates with Annie about being stabbed and how hard it is and how much it hurts. And the blood -- there's SO much blood! Well, maybe for other people, but Erica hardly bled at all when Annie stabbed her.

Where is Annie getting access to false eyelashes while in jail and in the hospital? You'd think they would have sweated and/or rubbed off during her high fever.

Robin "the hospital staff is probably AFRAID to remove her makeup" Coutellier

Sunday, June 14, 2009

BC - Wed, 6/10/09

David said he had previously stashed a gun in the tunnels and he took that one to shoot Adam, but when he pointed the gun he thought about his children and just couldn't do it. He wasn't thinking about the children when he stashed a LOADED GUN in the tunnels, was he? People often "accidentally" discover the tunnels, and Junior Junior might have observed someone going in or out and decided to investigate himself. Children LOVE to find secret hiding places! Even if David had stashed it high, kids also love to CLIMB and I recall there being chairs here and there in the tunnels.

Oh PUH-LEEASE! Are we REALLY supposed to believe that Tad does not have not only cable or satellite, but a DVR with digital tuning? He's got a Wii, after all, and I recall him trying to set up a digital TV a while back. Still it IS a way to work in a reminder to people that they need a digital converter installed by Friday IF THEY ONLY GET OFF-AIR SIGNALS.

So the Martin household is watching the BIG WEDDING of Marco and Consuelo on their Spanish-language telenovella. Isn't Consue-LO a GUY'S name? I would think a woman would be named Consue-LA. Of course, there ARE a lot of women/girls with names that are traditionally male (my OWN name used to be considered a guy's name), but in Spanish "lo" and "la" or just "o" and "a" at the end of words/names are usually distinctive precisely because that is their PURPOSE. It's like naming me "Robin-Female" or Christopher Robin "Christopher Robin-Male". Of course, that's kind of nit-picky, especially when you consider that the name of the bride and groom together come out to be Marco Consuelo, which brings up unpleasant memories of Maturdo (aka Mateo).

Today's HIPAA violations: 1) Aidan walks up to Angie and asks about Annie and Angie gives him medical information about Annie's condition (infection from the jailhouse shiv, but antibiotics will clear it up). 2) Adam walks up, asks about Annie's condition and Angie tells HIM about it (with JAR standing nearby). Then she tells Adam he can go in to visit Annie. Uh, Annie IS still a prisoner, right?

Considering that Aidan has helped Annie escape over and over again, why is JAR pointing out to him all the ways his father is vulnerable if a desperate woman like Annie wanted to take advantage of him?

Erica muses about Adam becoming fixated on a crazy woman. Uh, Erica, he's fixated on YOU often enough, and Lord knows you aren't the most stable woman in Pine Valley. For that matter, Adam is pretty damn neurotic in his own right.

WTF? Amanda and Opal are talking as if Janet were DEAD! The last I knew, she was locked up in a loony bin somewhere. Am I missing something? We all know TREVOR is dead (at Janet's hands), of course. I wonder if Amanda is even going to TELL Tim about her marriage. Doesn't he have a cellphone?

Kendall says the D.A. thinks they tried to outsmart him by getting married. Uh, Kendall, you DID try to outsmart him by getting married.

How was it that Adam delayed Annie's treatment? Isn't she ALREADY getting antibiotics? He DID delay treatment of OTHER patients by taking doctors away from them. Besides, Board of Directors or not, he has NO SAY in Annie's treatment -- NONE! It's none of his f**king BUSINESS in the first place! MAJOR HIPAA violations!

And there's Dr. Dave, showing up at the Martin house just in time to object to the wedding of Amanda and Jake.

Robin "Don't these people EVER lock their front door?" Coutellier

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Still Here

FYI, I AM still here! I have 3 episodes of AMC to watch and hope to catch up this weekend. I've just been having a tough week.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

BC - Mon - 6/8/09

Why are Kendall and Zach still allowing David anywhere NEAR their precious baby? There ARE other hospitals around where David does NOT have privileges, let alone omnipotent power that allows him to butt into every single case in the hospital whether the patients or others want him to or not. No sooner did I write that then they parted ways, but that means NOTHING as long as Ian is still at PVH. As far as PVH goes, David still goes wherever he wants and does whatever he wants, with no repercussions whatsoever. The fact that another doctor is taking over the case means NOTHING as far as David goes. NOTHING.

David says he thought he was allowed to have an attorney present. Jesse says that he didn't think an innocent man NEEDED an attorney. David says that they DO, if they're being RAILROADED. I have to agree wholeheartedly with David on THAT one, whether he's being railroaded or NOT. If you are hauled in for questioning in a murder investigation, you'd damn well BETTER get yourself an attorney! Of course, David should be smart enough (ESPECIALLY by NOW) to invoke his right to remain silent.

All things considered, Adam sure hasn't shown much grief since the funeral. It's as if the DRUGS were what made him grief-stricken, and now that he's off of them, it's just a sad situation.

Robin "that just does NOT fly with me" Coutellier

Monday, June 8, 2009

BC - Fri, 6/5/09

That Pine Valley Bulletin is SUCH a rag! I don't know WHY any of it's residents still read it after all these years (habit)? They're right up there with the show's intermittent tabloid paper, The National Intruder.

Frankie has such NICE teeth! I wonder if Randi will have to floss them for him now. Of course, I guess holding his dick to pee (among other things) might be a higher priority.

OT: You know that Viagra commercial where the couple is ferried to a deserted island where they plan to have a day of wild sex (or at least SOME sex)? They show the couple going into the little hut and give the warning about an erection lasting more than four hours and the need to all your doctor if that happens. How are they supposed to call a doctor from a deserted island? Won't they have to wait for the boat to come back?

Robin "put de lime in the coconut" Coutellier

Thursday, June 4, 2009

BC - Thu, 6/4/09

Should Tad really be DRIVING so soon after a bullet was removed from his brain?

Since I missed a significant portion of yesterday's show, I don't know much about the letters. I know at this point that they are letters Liza wrote to Colby that Adam hid (why didn't he burn them?), and that they have blood on them. How does everyone know it's STUART'S blood on the letters? Petey rushed in to tell Colby that fact. Did he also have handy-dandy home-built DNA kit that he cooked up in Tad's garage? And if Stuart and Adam are identical twins, won't they have the same DNA? That's not a rhetorical question, I really don't know.

Why is Adam no longer wearing suits every waking moment?

Adam said there's a gun with Kendall's prints on it. Has it been determined yet WHICH gun fired the fatal shot? There were LOTS of guns there that night and prints from multiple people on EACH gun.

Adam tells Ryan that Annie is innocent -- and he'll stake his brother's LIFE on it. Uh, it's a little late for THAT, isn't it?

I can see where Colby got her lack of affect. Does Jamie Luner ever play ANY scene where she doesn't sound like she's completely unaffected by whatever is going on? Liza WAS something of a cold fish, but in a CONSERVATIVE, upper-class kind of way, not in this unperturbed-no-matter-what kind of way. THIS Liza plays everything (no matter WHAT the situation is) like she's placing an order with her broker for a stock trade. She's cool, assertive, and not particularly interested, other than making sure her needs are met.

Robin "why yes, I did have an orgasm -- why are you asking me if I was reviewing my Lacey's bill?" Coutellier

BC - Tue-Wed, 6/2-3/09

Why is Jack having breakfast with Liza and discussing Kendall's case with her? She's a witness FOR THE STATE/COMMONWEALTH and, as Jack pointed out, will have to testify that she saw Kendall at the Chandler mansion that night. Lawyer's aren't supposed to talk to witnesses for the other side about the case unless they are in a deposition situation. Is HE planning to call her to the stand. I suppose he could talk to her THEN. If not, he's out of line.

Oh, here we GO! Ryan suggests that Kendall and Zach can protect each other by getting remarried because "spouses can't testify against each other". BULLSHIT! That only applies when a couple is married AT THE TIME OF THE CRIME. They were NOT married at the time of the murder, so they CAN be compelled to testify against one another. That is SUCH a cliche!

Well, it looks like I missed most of the first 46 minutes of AMC on Wednesday. When I tried playing it back on my Tivo, I got the first scenes before the intro, then it stayed stuck on the same shadowy image from the intro until 46 minutes into the show. It suddenly started again with Ryan showing a crumpled piece of paper to Emma and Emma saying: "No, I can't tell."

They've made a point of saying Amanda is 7 months pregnant. So why does it look like she's 9 months and the baby has already dropped into position?

I did gather that there are some letters (that apparently have blood on them) and gleaned from Thursday's show that Liza wrote them to Colby all these years and Adam hid them instead of letting Colby know of their existence.

I gather Kendall remarried Zach.

Robin "I would LOVE to have the judge say 'And?'" Coutellier

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

BC - Mon, 6/1/09

David looks at Amanda's chart as she tells him to get out of her room. He switches gears and starts being nice to her. He leans close and she observes that he's been drinking. He admits to drinking "a little". WTF? This is a PERFECT opportunity for her to yell for help and demand that they test his blood alcohol level. He's dealing with a patient while under the influence! If she's to f**king S-T-U-P-I-D to make a record with the police that David is stalking her, then she should at least latch onto THIS opportunity. He'd find a way to slither out of the situation, of course, but come ON. The airhead should at least TRY!

I DO wish they wouldn't do the split-screen/multiple moving video windows that are moving in opposite directions thing on AMC. Every time they try some video fad they make me DIZZY! I'm not joking about that.

Why are Kendall and Zach talking in normal voices about their respective roles in the shooting of Stuart when there's a guard standing RIGHT THERE who can overhear them? For that matter, most jails would be videotaping their visit, wouldn't they? They are no longer married, so there's no privilege. If they were in Florida, we'd be seeing it on Nancy Grace in short order!

I can hear Nancy Grace now:


Tonight, the DESPERATE search for the KILLER of a sweet [voice breaks] gentle man that EVERYONE loved! You would not BELIEVE what police have uncovered! [they've uncovered nothing] BOMBSHELL TONIGHT!!! The REAL target was the IDENTICAL TWIN BROTHER of Stuart Chandler, multi-BILLIONAIRE, ADAM Chandler!!! [side-by-side photos of the brothers appear, with Adam looking every bit the stern, debonair, impeccably dressed CEO, and Stuart, wearing a colorful sweater with the left collar of his shirt sticking out, mussed hair, a paint smudge on his cheek, and a goofy grin]

The suspects are from a veritable list of Who's Who in Pine Valley, PA! You will not BELIEVE the cast of characters in this tony, Main Line suburb!!! WHO SHOT AND KILLED STUART CHANDLER??? Was it Adam's son, an alcoholic widower who is CONSTANTLY involved in custody battles over his ADORABLE 4 year old child? Was it one of the parents of THIS precious infant [a photo appears of smiling little Ian, hugging his nanny], currently fighting for his LIFE after a heart valve marketed by ADAM CHANDLER was flagrantly implanted into his tiny little chest, despite OVERWHELMING EVIDENCE that the valve was FAULTY? Both parents of the infant were DEVASTATED over what they THOUGHT was the death of the tiny little baby and had AMPLE motive to kill Adam Chandler! The baby's heart stopped and they both raced out of the hospital, not even bothering to stick around to find out if he could be REVIVED, let alone say GOOD-BYE to him! Was it a case of MISTAKEN IDENTITY? Did one of them shoot Stuart Chandler thinking it was ADAM CHANDLER??? The Slater's own rap sheets and exploits are WELL known throughout the world.

The mother of the infant, rail-thin Kendall Hart Slater, is a convicted FELON AND rags-to-riches cosmetics mogul who has been arrested on NUMEROUS occasions, tried for murder and convicted of PERJURY! She has had her OWN share of medical problems, including TWO, count 'em, TWO comas within the last five years!!! She is also the daughter of world-famous super-model, actress, TV personality and businesswoman, none other than ERICA KANE!!! Witnesses have come forward with numerous tales of Kendall losing control and acting hysterically, with NO REGARD for other people's safety and showing LITTLE common sense whenever she feels betrayed or protective. Some reports even say that she was once seen holding a gun on HER OWN MOTHER at the Valley Inn Dining Room, although that report not been substantiated. [a video of Kendall pole-dancing at Fusion is shown]

Erica Kane's OWN legal troubles are LEGENDARY and she only recently got out of jail on yet ANOTHER criminal charge, this time for REAL ESTATE FRAUD! [a photo appears of Erica in her orange, tightly tailored prison uniform and CFM stiletto heels] Erica is also the TEN-TIMES-married GRANDMOTHER -- and YES, Ms. Kane, you ARE a


no matter how many time you refer to your daughters' children as your daughter's sons or daughter's daughters -- of the deathly ill infant, [voice breaks] little Ian Slater. [a photo appears of a listless Ian hooked up to tubes and wires in a hospital crib] There's plenty of motive THERE! Did SHE fire the fatal bullet into Stuart Chandler that night, thinking that he was ADAM Chandler? She is also the sometimes-paramour and sometimes-enemy of Adam Chandler. Good LORD, woman, make up your MIND!

Then there's Zach Slater, also a multi-BILLIONAIRE owner of several casinos and head of the worldwide conglomerate, Cambias Industries. [a photo appears of Zach looking annoyed and needing a shave] His brother, Michael Cambias [a photo of Michael Cambias smirking at a DeVry's advertisement appears] VISCIOUSLY RAPED Bianca Montgomery, a sweet, innocent LESBIAN, and impregnating her in the process. Michael Cambias was subsequently MURDERED himself, with no shortage of suspects, including Bianca herself, Kendall Hart (who had yet to meet her ex-husband, Michael Cambias' brother, Zach Slater) AND their mother, Erica, Erica KANE! Zach Slater later came to town and was said to be out for the BLOOD of the killer of his OWN BROTHER! It was later determined that Bianca Montgomery shot and killed Michael Cambias when he again tried to rape her and seemed intent on killing her. It was deemed self-defense and she never stood trial. Zach Slater was said to be SOOO estranged from his and Michael's sociopathic FATHER [a photo appears of Alexander Cambias, wild-eyed and wild-haired while strapped to a wheelchair and with trophy photos of his murder victims on the wall of his cell] that he FAKED HIS OWN DEATH, hence the different family name! He started a new life and became a self-made BILLIONAIRE all on his own! He is also rumored to have some shady "associates" stemming from his life in Las Vegas prior to relocating to Pine Valley. Could ZACH SLATER have been the one to pull the trigger and fire the bullet that snuffed out the life of the BELOVED Stuart Chandler?

And then there is Krystal -- with a K -- Carrey Chandler Martin Hayward. [a photo appears of Krystal, dancing on a table and pulling down the front of her red tube top in front of leering truckers while sucking suggestively on a Polish sausage] Krystal and Adam were said to have married under less-than-ideal circumstances after a hedonistic night filled with sex and moonshine in the small town in Pigeon Hollow, West Virginia. [a fast moving graphic of Google Earth zooming in on the hamlet of Pigeon Hollow appears on the screen] Until she came to Pine Valley to move in with her late daughter, Babe Carrey Chandler, [a photo appears of Babe with a sideways ponytail, glittery eye-shadow and wearing a tiny, hot pink ensemble while standing in front of a large cow statue] and her new son-in-law, Adam's son, JAR Chandler, [a photo of JAR passed out in the bushes appears] and live the lush life in a MANSION with SERVANTS, Krystal was a TRANSIENT, moving from town to town, earning money at odd, menial, minimum-wage jobs and drifting from man to man. Now, tell me something -- why on EARTH would someone name their child "BABE"? Femnists across the country must be spitting TACKS over the name ALONE! Babe Chandler died due to injuries suffered during a series of tornados that DEVASTATED the town of Pine Valley last year. Krystal and Adam divorced after a bitter breakup, which included Adam walking out and leaving Krystal, IN LABOR, on the FLOOR of the mansion. Adam's daughter, heiress Colby Chandler, had to deliver Krystal's baby (who was fathered by former Town Lothario, Tad Martin) ON THE FLOOR. Krystal left Adam at that point and later married Martin.

After a nasty breakup with Martin, Krystal IMMEDIATELY married prominent heart surgeon, David Hayward. We have ascertained from several sources that Krystal had been blackmailed by Adam Chandler after he unearthed evidence that she SOLD one of her TWIN BABIES on the black market, keeping the pretty blond one and discarding the little brunette one LIKE SHE WAS TRASH!!! Oh no -- NO -- not like trash -- like something you would put on *eBAY*!!! Maybe they should have named her "eBABE"! That long lost daughter [a photo appears of Marissa giving a rubdown to a sweaty fat guy who is in the process of, once again, "accidentally" dropping his towel] recently found out that Krystal-With-A-K, aka KWAK, who was a "FAMILY FRIEND", is her bio-mother, and she is said to be FURIOUS with her for selling her to the highest bidder! She wants nothing to DO with her OR her new-found bio-dad, who did not know of her existence. Krystal blamed ADAM CHANDLER for RUINING her cushy new life, yet AGAIN! Did KRYSTAL pull the fateful trigger?

And what about the good doctor, David Hayward? [a photo appears of David twirling an imaginary mustache while taking a teddy bear away from a baby, tripping a frail man on crutches, leering at a bulbously-breasted-bimbo, and callously telling an old lady that she's going to die] Dr. Hayward was ALSO seen lurking around the mansion on the fateful night of Stuart Chandler's death. He had been entrenched in a long, BITTER custody battle for his grandson, little Adam Chandler, III, aka "Little Adam" and sometimes called "Junior Junior". Dr. Hayward had been fighting with both Adam and JAR Chandler to wrest custody of the ADORABLE little boy from them. [a photo appears of Junior Junior, smiling like a little angel while dressed in a miniature tuxedo] Look at that little face! Isn't he just PRECIOUS? Hayward recently LOST that custody battle, despite reportedly pulling NUMEROUS dirty tricks to sway the court in his favor. He has been reported on multiple occasions for breaking and entering into the Chandler home, among others, and has a long-standing and well-known hatred for both the senior AND junior Chandlers.

And speaking of custody battles and the guileless little Junior Junior, the poor tot has been a PAWN, yanked from one person to another from the very MOMENT he was born. First he was STOLEN by the first husband (whom she never bothered to divorce) of Babe Chandler and given to the man's family to raise in place of his sister's dead baby. Babe Chandler and her best friend, Erica Kane's lesbian daughter, Bianca, both gave birth in an isolated cabin during a thunderstorm and Bianca passed out due to complications of the delivery of her baby girl. Babe developed an infection and also eventually passed out after her own baby was delivered by her first husband, an emergency helicopter pilot. In the chaos that ensued, her first husband, caught in a lie of monumental proportions, told the Chandlers that the baby GIRL was Babe's baby and that the baby boy (whom he had KIDNAPPED and turned over to his sister) was dead. Bianca, Erica Kane's lesbian daughter, was DEVASTATED over the death of her baby. After about a month, Babe Chandler realized that her baby was REALLY Bianca's baby, but she KEPT THE BABY and let her BEST FRIEND, Erica Kane's lesbian daughter, Bianca, not only MOURN her baby, but "allowed" her to be GODMOTHER to the baby girl! Babe eventually discovered that her baby boy was really ALIVE and living in a nearby town. She and her boyfriend, JAR's step-brother, James Martin, kidnapped her baby boy from his presumed family and took him on the run to Disney World, leaving notes telling Bianca that the baby girl was really hers and telling JAR that his baby was DEAD! Babe and Jamie were arrested and eventually the oft-separated and oft-reunited Babe and JAR ended up together again and raising little JAR together until Babe's untimely death. That little boy has been the subject of so many custody suits, countersuits, kidnappings and name changes that I wouldn't be surprised if he grew up to have a SEVERE case of multiple personalities!!! Excuse me -- make that DISSOCIATIVE PERSONALITY DISORDER.

BOMBSHELL TONIGHT!!! Despite the well-known manipulations and even frequent VIOLENCE among the three men, including alleged attempts on Adam Chandler's LIFE, Dr. Hayward has actually TREATED both men on more than one occasion at the notorious Pine Valley Hospital AGAINST THEIR WISHES! [a video plays of the exterior of PVH, showing a mystery man flamboyantly jumping off a ledge while holding something rectangular] WHERE was the American Medical Association during all this??? WHY has the hospital not only CONTINUED to allow Hayward to practice medicine there, but MADE HIM CHIEF OF STAFF? Good LORD!!! As if that's not enough, Dr. Hayward has ALSO been CONVICTED of crimes and has even had his medical license taken away for several years. At one point he was relegated to PUSHING A MOP at PVH as part of his community service! He was ALSO accused of drugging nearly the ENTIRE TOWN of Pine Valley with his own medical concoction that he dubbed "Libidozone", pouring it into the punch bowl at a yacht party, causing most of the partygoers to lose their inhibitions and scream "LET'S GET NAKED!!" [a photo of Haley in her mermaid dress appears] Hayward is also a former paramour of the infamous Ms. Kane. It is said that they have a special connection involving the number "19". What does THAT mean? When we find out, we will bring it to you LIVE!

Then there is Annie Lavery. The woman CLEARLY has some, shall we say, "psychological" problems, and is charged with MURDERING her OWN BROTHER! She has kidnapped her OWN DAUGHTER on several occasions, even endangering her little life [voice breaks as a photo of sweet little Emma is shown] by nearly letting her get burned ALIVE after LOCKING HER IN AN ABANDONED CHURCH!!! Mrs. Lavery may look sweet and innocent, but don't let her looks fool you -- she is BAD NEWS! It's rumored that she had some kind of psychotic break after suffering a series of setbacks, including being on the run for several years with her daughter, trying to escape the clutches of her former husband, Terry, who was killed by a vigilante as Terry was in the process of MOLESTING AN AUTISTIC GIRL! Mrs. Lavery had been estranged from her own family after FALSELY testifying against her OWN BROTHER in a murder trial. When he came to town looking for her, she came UNGLUED! Her brief marriage to sometimes-multi-millionaire, Ryan Lavery ended with bitter recriminations, and Mr. Lavery gaining custody of their BEAUTIFUL little girl. [a photo appears of Ryan shoving Emma out the front door] After Mrs. Lavery was finally CAUGHT, she was deemed INSANE and sent to a mental asylum to be treated until such time as she can be put on trial for the death of her brother, who was beaten to death with a TIRE IRON and LEFT FOR DEAD on a dark mountain road! Mrs. Lavery escaped on numerous occasions and was on the run when she was spotted AT THE CHANDLER MANSION on the night of the murder. You guessed it, folks; she AGAIN kidnapped little Emma Lavery [a photo appears of Emma standing all alone and forlorn on a busy street, waiting for the school bus] in the midst of the horror of that night! WHAT did that poor child SEE?

Liza Colby, estranged mother of billionaire heiress Colby Chandler [a photo appears of a vacuous, slump-shouldered, gape-mouthed Colby] has also complicated matters by recently coming to town to reconnect with her rebellious daughter and confront Adam Chandler about the affections of teenaged heiress [a photo appears of a drunken, disheveled and freshly deflowered Colby, taken just after she crashed a stolen yacht]. Colby Chandler is said to want NOTHING to do with her ice-queen mother, who had ABANDONED her when she was FIFTEEN, after being on the run for many, MANY years after KIDNAPPING Colby when she was only a child! Liza has a rich history and several ties to the town of Pine Valley, including her mother, who is the WIDOW of the MURDERED STUART Chandler!! Liza feels that Adam has POISONED her OWN DAUGHTER'S mind against her! She was ALSO seen at the Chandler mansion that fateful night!

NEWSFLASH TONIGHT!!! We've also uncovered stories from several sources that Liza Colby once falsely accused the Pine Valley Police Chief, Jesse Hubbard, of RAPING her!!! And get THIS: Liza is now a L-A-W-Y-E-R, despite her history of KIDNAPPING her child and taking her on the run for nearly a decade! How did THAT happen???

BOMBSHELL TONIGHT!!! New, EXCLUSIVE footage has emerged of Liza Colby and none other than ZACH SLATER having -- How can I put this? *CARNAL RELATIONS* ON A BLACKJACK TABLE at one of Zach Slater's many casinos!!! Good LORD! EVERYONE knows that there are THOUSANDS of cameras at casinos, so why did they so BRAZENLY flaunt their sexual escapade? You folks might want to bring latex gloves and safety goggles the next time you think about playing Blackjack! But wait -- there's MORE! Ms. Colby, who is clearly NOT pregnant in the sex videos, has, within the space of a MONTH, started sporting a HUGELY pregnant belly! What gives? WHO is the mystery father? Is she pregnant with the world's fastest-growing baby? Is the baby Zach Slater's, or could it be ADAM CHANDLER'S BABY???

And what about ADAM CHANDLER himself? By all accounts he was DEVOTED to his identical twin brother, Stuart, but was that enough? There have been several reports of Adam Chandler suffering from mental confusion lately. Did HE pick up a gun and fire it at his OWN TWIN BROTHER in the dark, mistaking him for one of the many PREDATORS roaming the house that night?

And through it all, two of the children in the middle of this BUBBLING CAULDREN OF HATE were upstairs at the Chandler mansion at the time of the killing, and despite the fact that EVERYONE knew the children were ALONE and unprotected on the upper floors, EVERYONE was brandishing guns. One person even DELIBERATELY fired into the CEILING with no regard WHATSOEVER for the tots upstairs!!! The terrified children huddled together, SHIVERING and WHIMPERING with fear as they heard screams, thunderbolts and running footsteps outside their VERY DOOR, over and over again!!! My heart just BREAKS for those two innocent little angels, all alone, TERRIFIED and IGNORED as so many ADULTS stalked the rooms, halls and tunnels of the darkened mansion, INTENT on KILLING Adam Chandler!!!

We need an ARMY of shrinks here!!! But first, LET'S UNLEASH THE LAWYERS!!!

Robin "and WHO is the shadowy, unintelligible man who keeps helping Annie Lavery escape?" Coutellier