I DO wish they wouldn't do the split-screen/multiple moving video windows that are moving in opposite directions thing on AMC. Every time they try some video fad they make me DIZZY! I'm not joking about that.
Why are Kendall and Zach talking in normal voices about their respective roles in the shooting of Stuart when there's a guard standing RIGHT THERE who can overhear them? For that matter, most jails would be videotaping their visit, wouldn't they? They are no longer married, so there's no privilege. If they were in Florida, we'd be seeing it on Nancy Grace in short order!
I can hear Nancy Grace now:
*****
Tonight, the DESPERATE search for the KILLER of a sweet [voice breaks] gentle man that EVERYONE loved! You would not BELIEVE what police have uncovered! [they've uncovered nothing] BOMBSHELL TONIGHT!!! The REAL target was the IDENTICAL TWIN BROTHER of Stuart Chandler, multi-BILLIONAIRE, ADAM Chandler!!! [side-by-side photos of the brothers appear, with Adam looking every bit the stern, debonair, impeccably dressed CEO, and Stuart, wearing a colorful sweater with the left collar of his shirt sticking out, mussed hair, a paint smudge on his cheek, and a goofy grin]
The suspects are from a veritable list of Who's Who in Pine Valley, PA! You will not BELIEVE the cast of characters in this tony, Main Line suburb!!! WHO SHOT AND KILLED STUART CHANDLER??? Was it Adam's son, an alcoholic widower who is CONSTANTLY involved in custody battles over his ADORABLE 4 year old child? Was it one of the parents of THIS precious infant [a photo appears of smiling little Ian, hugging his nanny], currently fighting for his LIFE after a heart valve marketed by ADAM CHANDLER was flagrantly implanted into his tiny little chest, despite OVERWHELMING EVIDENCE that the valve was FAULTY? Both parents of the infant were DEVASTATED over what they THOUGHT was the death of the tiny little baby and had AMPLE motive to kill Adam Chandler! The baby's heart stopped and they both raced out of the hospital, not even bothering to stick around to find out if he could be REVIVED, let alone say GOOD-BYE to him! Was it a case of MISTAKEN IDENTITY? Did one of them shoot Stuart Chandler thinking it was ADAM CHANDLER??? The Slater's own rap sheets and exploits are WELL known throughout the world.
The mother of the infant, rail-thin Kendall Hart Slater, is a convicted FELON AND rags-to-riches cosmetics mogul who has been arrested on NUMEROUS occasions, tried for murder and convicted of PERJURY! She has had her OWN share of medical problems, including TWO, count 'em, TWO comas within the last five years!!! She is also the daughter of world-famous super-model, actress, TV personality and businesswoman, none other than ERICA KANE!!! Witnesses have come forward with numerous tales of Kendall losing control and acting hysterically, with NO REGARD for other people's safety and showing LITTLE common sense whenever she feels betrayed or protective. Some reports even say that she was once seen holding a gun on HER OWN MOTHER at the Valley Inn Dining Room, although that report not been substantiated. [a video of Kendall pole-dancing at Fusion is shown]
Erica Kane's OWN legal troubles are LEGENDARY and she only recently got out of jail on yet ANOTHER criminal charge, this time for REAL ESTATE FRAUD! [a photo appears of Erica in her orange, tightly tailored prison uniform and CFM stiletto heels] Erica is also the TEN-TIMES-married GRANDMOTHER -- and YES, Ms. Kane, you ARE a
G-R-A-N-D-M-O-T-H-E-R
no matter how many time you refer to your daughters' children as your daughter's sons or daughter's daughters -- of the deathly ill infant, [voice breaks] little Ian Slater. [a photo appears of a listless Ian hooked up to tubes and wires in a hospital crib] There's plenty of motive THERE! Did SHE fire the fatal bullet into Stuart Chandler that night, thinking that he was ADAM Chandler? She is also the sometimes-paramour and sometimes-enemy of Adam Chandler. Good LORD, woman, make up your MIND!
Then there's Zach Slater, also a multi-BILLIONAIRE owner of several casinos and head of the worldwide conglomerate, Cambias Industries. [a photo appears of Zach looking annoyed and needing a shave] His brother, Michael Cambias [a photo of Michael Cambias smirking at a DeVry's advertisement appears] VISCIOUSLY RAPED Bianca Montgomery, a sweet, innocent LESBIAN, and impregnating her in the process. Michael Cambias was subsequently MURDERED himself, with no shortage of suspects, including Bianca herself, Kendall Hart (who had yet to meet her ex-husband, Michael Cambias' brother, Zach Slater) AND their mother, Erica, Erica KANE! Zach Slater later came to town and was said to be out for the BLOOD of the killer of his OWN BROTHER! It was later determined that Bianca Montgomery shot and killed Michael Cambias when he again tried to rape her and seemed intent on killing her. It was deemed self-defense and she never stood trial. Zach Slater was said to be SOOO estranged from his and Michael's sociopathic FATHER [a photo appears of Alexander Cambias, wild-eyed and wild-haired while strapped to a wheelchair and with trophy photos of his murder victims on the wall of his cell] that he FAKED HIS OWN DEATH, hence the different family name! He started a new life and became a self-made BILLIONAIRE all on his own! He is also rumored to have some shady "associates" stemming from his life in Las Vegas prior to relocating to Pine Valley. Could ZACH SLATER have been the one to pull the trigger and fire the bullet that snuffed out the life of the BELOVED Stuart Chandler?
And then there is Krystal -- with a K -- Carrey Chandler Martin Hayward. [a photo appears of Krystal, dancing on a table and pulling down the front of her red tube top in front of leering truckers while sucking suggestively on a Polish sausage] Krystal and Adam were said to have married under less-than-ideal circumstances after a hedonistic night filled with sex and moonshine in the small town in Pigeon Hollow, West Virginia. [a fast moving graphic of Google Earth zooming in on the hamlet of Pigeon Hollow appears on the screen] Until she came to Pine Valley to move in with her late daughter, Babe Carrey Chandler, [a photo appears of Babe with a sideways ponytail, glittery eye-shadow and wearing a tiny, hot pink ensemble while standing in front of a large cow statue] and her new son-in-law, Adam's son, JAR Chandler, [a photo of JAR passed out in the bushes appears] and live the lush life in a MANSION with SERVANTS, Krystal was a TRANSIENT, moving from town to town, earning money at odd, menial, minimum-wage jobs and drifting from man to man. Now, tell me something -- why on EARTH would someone name their child "BABE"? Femnists across the country must be spitting TACKS over the name ALONE! Babe Chandler died due to injuries suffered during a series of tornados that DEVASTATED the town of Pine Valley last year. Krystal and Adam divorced after a bitter breakup, which included Adam walking out and leaving Krystal, IN LABOR, on the FLOOR of the mansion. Adam's daughter, heiress Colby Chandler, had to deliver Krystal's baby (who was fathered by former Town Lothario, Tad Martin) ON THE FLOOR. Krystal left Adam at that point and later married Martin.
After a nasty breakup with Martin, Krystal IMMEDIATELY married prominent heart surgeon, David Hayward. We have ascertained from several sources that Krystal had been blackmailed by Adam Chandler after he unearthed evidence that she SOLD one of her TWIN BABIES on the black market, keeping the pretty blond one and discarding the little brunette one LIKE SHE WAS TRASH!!! Oh no -- NO -- not like trash -- like something you would put on *eBAY*!!! Maybe they should have named her "eBABE"! That long lost daughter [a photo appears of Marissa giving a rubdown to a sweaty fat guy who is in the process of, once again, "accidentally" dropping his towel] recently found out that Krystal-With-A-K, aka KWAK, who was a "FAMILY FRIEND", is her bio-mother, and she is said to be FURIOUS with her for selling her to the highest bidder! She wants nothing to DO with her OR her new-found bio-dad, who did not know of her existence. Krystal blamed ADAM CHANDLER for RUINING her cushy new life, yet AGAIN! Did KRYSTAL pull the fateful trigger?
And what about the good doctor, David Hayward? [a photo appears of David twirling an imaginary mustache while taking a teddy bear away from a baby, tripping a frail man on crutches, leering at a bulbously-breasted-bimbo, and callously telling an old lady that she's going to die] Dr. Hayward was ALSO seen lurking around the mansion on the fateful night of Stuart Chandler's death. He had been entrenched in a long, BITTER custody battle for his grandson, little Adam Chandler, III, aka "Little Adam" and sometimes called "Junior Junior". Dr. Hayward had been fighting with both Adam and JAR Chandler to wrest custody of the ADORABLE little boy from them. [a photo appears of Junior Junior, smiling like a little angel while dressed in a miniature tuxedo] Look at that little face! Isn't he just PRECIOUS? Hayward recently LOST that custody battle, despite reportedly pulling NUMEROUS dirty tricks to sway the court in his favor. He has been reported on multiple occasions for breaking and entering into the Chandler home, among others, and has a long-standing and well-known hatred for both the senior AND junior Chandlers.
And speaking of custody battles and the guileless little Junior Junior, the poor tot has been a PAWN, yanked from one person to another from the very MOMENT he was born. First he was STOLEN by the first husband (whom she never bothered to divorce) of Babe Chandler and given to the man's family to raise in place of his sister's dead baby. Babe Chandler and her best friend, Erica Kane's lesbian daughter, Bianca, both gave birth in an isolated cabin during a thunderstorm and Bianca passed out due to complications of the delivery of her baby girl. Babe developed an infection and also eventually passed out after her own baby was delivered by her first husband, an emergency helicopter pilot. In the chaos that ensued, her first husband, caught in a lie of monumental proportions, told the Chandlers that the baby GIRL was Babe's baby and that the baby boy (whom he had KIDNAPPED and turned over to his sister) was dead. Bianca, Erica Kane's lesbian daughter, was DEVASTATED over the death of her baby. After about a month, Babe Chandler realized that her baby was REALLY Bianca's baby, but she KEPT THE BABY and let her BEST FRIEND, Erica Kane's lesbian daughter, Bianca, not only MOURN her baby, but "allowed" her to be GODMOTHER to the baby girl! Babe eventually discovered that her baby boy was really ALIVE and living in a nearby town. She and her boyfriend, JAR's step-brother, James Martin, kidnapped her baby boy from his presumed family and took him on the run to Disney World, leaving notes telling Bianca that the baby girl was really hers and telling JAR that his baby was DEAD! Babe and Jamie were arrested and eventually the oft-separated and oft-reunited Babe and JAR ended up together again and raising little JAR together until Babe's untimely death. That little boy has been the subject of so many custody suits, countersuits, kidnappings and name changes that I wouldn't be surprised if he grew up to have a SEVERE case of multiple personalities!!! Excuse me -- make that DISSOCIATIVE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
BOMBSHELL TONIGHT!!! Despite the well-known manipulations and even frequent VIOLENCE among the three men, including alleged attempts on Adam Chandler's LIFE, Dr. Hayward has actually TREATED both men on more than one occasion at the notorious Pine Valley Hospital AGAINST THEIR WISHES! [a video plays of the exterior of PVH, showing a mystery man flamboyantly jumping off a ledge while holding something rectangular] WHERE was the American Medical Association during all this??? WHY has the hospital not only CONTINUED to allow Hayward to practice medicine there, but MADE HIM CHIEF OF STAFF? Good LORD!!! As if that's not enough, Dr. Hayward has ALSO been CONVICTED of crimes and has even had his medical license taken away for several years. At one point he was relegated to PUSHING A MOP at PVH as part of his community service! He was ALSO accused of drugging nearly the ENTIRE TOWN of Pine Valley with his own medical concoction that he dubbed "Libidozone", pouring it into the punch bowl at a yacht party, causing most of the partygoers to lose their inhibitions and scream "LET'S GET NAKED!!" [a photo of Haley in her mermaid dress appears] Hayward is also a former paramour of the infamous Ms. Kane. It is said that they have a special connection involving the number "19". What does THAT mean? When we find out, we will bring it to you LIVE!
Then there is Annie Lavery. The woman CLEARLY has some, shall we say, "psychological" problems, and is charged with MURDERING her OWN BROTHER! She has kidnapped her OWN DAUGHTER on several occasions, even endangering her little life [voice breaks as a photo of sweet little Emma is shown] by nearly letting her get burned ALIVE after LOCKING HER IN AN ABANDONED CHURCH!!! Mrs. Lavery may look sweet and innocent, but don't let her looks fool you -- she is BAD NEWS! It's rumored that she had some kind of psychotic break after suffering a series of setbacks, including being on the run for several years with her daughter, trying to escape the clutches of her former husband, Terry, who was killed by a vigilante as Terry was in the process of MOLESTING AN AUTISTIC GIRL! Mrs. Lavery had been estranged from her own family after FALSELY testifying against her OWN BROTHER in a murder trial. When he came to town looking for her, she came UNGLUED! Her brief marriage to sometimes-multi-millionaire, Ryan Lavery ended with bitter recriminations, and Mr. Lavery gaining custody of their BEAUTIFUL little girl. [a photo appears of Ryan shoving Emma out the front door] After Mrs. Lavery was finally CAUGHT, she was deemed INSANE and sent to a mental asylum to be treated until such time as she can be put on trial for the death of her brother, who was beaten to death with a TIRE IRON and LEFT FOR DEAD on a dark mountain road! Mrs. Lavery escaped on numerous occasions and was on the run when she was spotted AT THE CHANDLER MANSION on the night of the murder. You guessed it, folks; she AGAIN kidnapped little Emma Lavery [a photo appears of Emma standing all alone and forlorn on a busy street, waiting for the school bus] in the midst of the horror of that night! WHAT did that poor child SEE?
Liza Colby, estranged mother of billionaire heiress Colby Chandler [a photo appears of a vacuous, slump-shouldered, gape-mouthed Colby] has also complicated matters by recently coming to town to reconnect with her rebellious daughter and confront Adam Chandler about the affections of teenaged heiress [a photo appears of a drunken, disheveled and freshly deflowered Colby, taken just after she crashed a stolen yacht]. Colby Chandler is said to want NOTHING to do with her ice-queen mother, who had ABANDONED her when she was FIFTEEN, after being on the run for many, MANY years after KIDNAPPING Colby when she was only a child! Liza has a rich history and several ties to the town of Pine Valley, including her mother, who is the WIDOW of the MURDERED STUART Chandler!! Liza feels that Adam has POISONED her OWN DAUGHTER'S mind against her! She was ALSO seen at the Chandler mansion that fateful night!
NEWSFLASH TONIGHT!!! We've also uncovered stories from several sources that Liza Colby once falsely accused the Pine Valley Police Chief, Jesse Hubbard, of RAPING her!!! And get THIS: Liza is now a L-A-W-Y-E-R, despite her history of KIDNAPPING her child and taking her on the run for nearly a decade! How did THAT happen???
BOMBSHELL TONIGHT!!! New, EXCLUSIVE footage has emerged of Liza Colby and none other than ZACH SLATER having -- How can I put this? *CARNAL RELATIONS* ON A BLACKJACK TABLE at one of Zach Slater's many casinos!!! Good LORD! EVERYONE knows that there are THOUSANDS of cameras at casinos, so why did they so BRAZENLY flaunt their sexual escapade? You folks might want to bring latex gloves and safety goggles the next time you think about playing Blackjack! But wait -- there's MORE! Ms. Colby, who is clearly NOT pregnant in the sex videos, has, within the space of a MONTH, started sporting a HUGELY pregnant belly! What gives? WHO is the mystery father? Is she pregnant with the world's fastest-growing baby? Is the baby Zach Slater's, or could it be ADAM CHANDLER'S BABY???
And what about ADAM CHANDLER himself? By all accounts he was DEVOTED to his identical twin brother, Stuart, but was that enough? There have been several reports of Adam Chandler suffering from mental confusion lately. Did HE pick up a gun and fire it at his OWN TWIN BROTHER in the dark, mistaking him for one of the many PREDATORS roaming the house that night?
And through it all, two of the children in the middle of this BUBBLING CAULDREN OF HATE were upstairs at the Chandler mansion at the time of the killing, and despite the fact that EVERYONE knew the children were ALONE and unprotected on the upper floors, EVERYONE was brandishing guns. One person even DELIBERATELY fired into the CEILING with no regard WHATSOEVER for the tots upstairs!!! The terrified children huddled together, SHIVERING and WHIMPERING with fear as they heard screams, thunderbolts and running footsteps outside their VERY DOOR, over and over again!!! My heart just BREAKS for those two innocent little angels, all alone, TERRIFIED and IGNORED as so many ADULTS stalked the rooms, halls and tunnels of the darkened mansion, INTENT on KILLING Adam Chandler!!!
We need an ARMY of shrinks here!!! But first, LET'S UNLEASH THE LAWYERS!!!
*****
Robin "and WHO is the shadowy, unintelligible man who keeps helping Annie Lavery escape?" Coutellier
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