Tuesday, September 7, 2010

BC - Tue, 9/7/10, Part 1

Okay, David is dead. Presumably. The suspects are innumerable given what an evil, obnoxious, scheming, manipulative man he was. Really, we don't know yet if he died from a beating or poison or what, so even people IN the room when he staggered in are suspects. Of course, David being David, he COULD just be letting people THINK he died. Until we see the autopsy, we won't REALLY know. He's had a LOT of practice arranging for other people to be fake-dead, after all.

OR, maybe David chose this moment to end his own life in a dramatic way. Maybe he found out he really DID have a terminal disease. This way he can do a lot of damage with lots of suspects. Yeah he and Ryan were beating each other ,and he may have gotten into it physically with someone else after THAT, but what if he also took some sort of time-delay, undetectable potion he made that made him die?

Jake performed CPR on David for a total of about 26 seconds before declaring him "gone". Now THAT is a dedicated doctor!

I was wrong about the white dress on the extra I described in the last Boogie Chillen. Those aren't pouches, just some giant flaps of some kind. There may or may not be bow-like appendages to the side of the giant flaps. Whatever it is, it's HIDEOUS! The black dashes I described before, up close, are actually large square shiny things, similar to sequins, but much, MUCH bigger.

Mayor Blanco: "Your ethics are not a priority right now!"

Liza doesn't HAVE ethics. Truer words were never spoken in Pine Valley, regardless of the situation or people involved.

Have papers been signed as far as Liza being the new DA? Didn't that JUST happen right before the party, with the mayor telling her in passing? Does anyone in town OTHER than the mayor know that Liza is the DA? Oh, apparently the governor of PA approved it. That doesn't mean it's official, though, unless Liza filled out some paperwork.

Liza has way, Way, WAAAAY too many connections to David to be a prosecutor in this case. He delivered Colby. He's an enemy of Tad, with whom she has an off-and-on relationship. He's an enemy of Zach, whom she also loves. He's blackmailed HER on occasion, forcing her to represent him. She DID represent him (as she stated to the mayor). For all those reasons and more, there's no way in HELL she would be able to get anywhere near this case in real life. Don't they have an Assistant DA? Also, she falsely accused Jesse of raping or attempting to rape her when they were teens. It was a long time ago, but they should NOT be working together on a murder case. I don't know the solution to that kind of ethical dilemma in real life. In PV life, it won't matter one whit.

All things considered, Jesse did a lousy job of securing the crime scene. While he did need to tell people it was a crime scene and not to leave, he should also have been standing over the corpse and trying to guard it from being contaminated. Why is everyone from the party STILL hanging around on the terrace well after David died but his body was still there? Shouldn't they have been herded into a ballroom or something? But nooooooo, they're walking all over the place and sitting at tables, milling around the railing between the walkway and the terrace, getting all manner of contaminants (hairs, fibers, dust, sequins, feathers, etc.) on things. For all the police know, people are standing behind the railing and spitting on the corpse! There could be blood or other DNA evidence transferred to the railing during his fall. The extras probably stepped on TOP of his body to walk by when Greenlee was at the very nearby table with Amanda, because there really wasn't much room to do otherwise. And, of course, someone threw their jacket over him a few moments after Jake pronounced him dead, which, in itself, is contaminating the body and crime scene. What a bunch of knuckleheads.

Then Greenlee kneels down and holds David's hand and cries over him, contaminating the body and her OWN body by touching him. For all the cops know, she's also removing or planting some kind of evidence. TOTALLY bogus!

That ring Greenlee is wearing is GIGANTIC; it's at LEAST a 1"x1.5" rectangle that I would only expect to see on someone at Halloween or perhaps at a costume party. Maybe it's a locket and it's where she keeps her mad money, the key to her safety deposit box and few other spare rings. Here's a practical question: How does she wipe herself without getting it caught on the underside of the toilet seat? That thing is big enough to BE a toilet seat!

Greenlee tells David's body that he deserved better than this. No he didn't. He deserved far WORSE, given what he's done to people over the years. All things considered, it was a pretty tame death, even if he DID get beat up first. For someone of David's caliber and history, you would at LEAST expect some preliminary torture or bizarre punishment or other more exotic death like being buried alive under a park bench (oops, BTDT). Some other options:

  • He could have been thrown into a garbage bin just before pickup and been crushed in the truck or suffocated under tons of garbage.
  • He could have been tied to a railroad track.
  • He could have been asphyxiated from the overwhelmingly powerful air-freshener in his room or all the perfume, cologne, dry cleaning chemicals and dryer-sheet scents wafting from all the party-goers and waiters.
  • He could have been stabbed with a BBQ fork.
  • How about he punched someone who had just put a cocktail weenie into their mouth and the punch made the weenie fly out of that guy's mouth and into David's, causing David to choke to death?
  • He could have burned some gift from Greenlee in a fireplace and died from toxic fumes.
  • He could have gotten stuck in a revolving door in the Chandler tunnels, became nauseous, and choked on his own vomit.
  • One of his Facebook friends could have been mad when he unfriended them, so they posted an ad on Craigslist pretending to be him and asked someone to kill and eat him.
  • He could have slipped in the shower, fallen through the glass and landed with his head in the toilet.
  • Angie could have bit him when he poked his finger in her face one too many times and the virus she has mutated and went straight to his heart.
  • How about he tripped on the stairs, an extra behind him can't stop in time and her stiletto heel punctures his skull and skewers his brain?
  • Maybe someone sets it up so that it looks like he died from autoerotic asphyxiation?
  • Spontaneous combustion? I'm kind of surprised he didn't just shrivel up, leaving only his clothes and a wisp of steam or pile of ashes.
  • An infected papercut? On his tongue?
  • SOMETHING other than him being punched a lot which, let's face it, is kind of a normal day for him? Okay, maybe he has been punched SO many times during his time in PV that this was the last straw and he just imploded.
  • There should have been coyotes howling when he keeled over or a flock of seagulls passing and pooping on him.
They should have given us a death scene that consisted of more than him staggering in, everyone turning to look at him and him keeling over, just like that. A fall over a railing from a not-quite-3-feet above the terrace doesn't really cut it in the drama department. He should have been staggering all OVER the place, tossing out little insults and goodbye stuff like "Tell eBabe I love her" and "Greenlee loves ME, not Ryan" and "Hey Tad, Dixie was a GREAT f**k!" and "Don't forget to feed my goldfish" and "The person who did this to me is ........... uh-oh ..." Thud.

Come ON! How about a little CREATIVITY, writers! Okay, it's too late for an exotic death, coyotes howling or seagulls pooping on him. At the very LEAST, can we find out when they undress him at the morgue that he's wearing lady's underwear? A Wonderbra, a lacy thong, garter belt and stockings isn't TOO much to ask for, is it? And we want to SEE it.

Oh well, maybe Vanessa and/or Leo will show up at the funeral. They never found the bodies, after all.

David's been dead for a while. So why did a cop just THEN go to his room? Shouldn't someone have been posted there right away (and NOT gone in until Forensics had a chance to investigate) considering his room was right there at the yacht club?

All things considered, did it ever occur to Kendall's pea-brain that Ryan might need medical assistance? He IS semi-fresh out of a coma from a brain aneurysm, after all and he clearly has amnesia. Protecting him as far as David goes isn't going to matter much if he's (further) brain-damaged or dead (again). Why hasn't she at least taken care of the gash on his face? For that matter, why isn't blood smeared all over his face instead of just near the gash? You would think it would have bled profusely.

Apropos of nothing, I think they should introduce Mayor Blanco's famous daughter and have her (if she's of age) start a relationship with Bianca. If they got married, Bianca could be Bianca Blanco. Then we could call her BiancaBlonkaDonk.

Robin "who will be our Snidely Whiplash NOW?" Coutellier

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