THE WAVE SET
Hayley and Mateo rush onto the set as Hayley anxiously asks if there is any sign of Arlene. Mateo tells her to relax and forget about Arlene, but Hayley is a nervous wreck. She says Arlene is going to keep coming back until Hayley forgives or pretends to forgive her. They are going live in 60 seconds. Hayley rushes onto stage for last minute powder puffs and Mateo leaves for the photo shoot at SOS. Still nervous, Hayley still manages to jump into her on-screen persona and chats about how fast the year has gone, blah, blah, blah. Arlene drunkenly stumbles in off to the side. Hayley talks about fashion and white leather as Arlene drinks from a flask like a person stumbling in from the desert. Arlene proudly watches her daughter and quietly talks toward her: "There she is -- my Hayley. She's got everything she wants. She's rich, famous. A man who loves her. All your dreams came true, didn't they, Sweetie? And now ... it's Mama's turn!" She steps toward the stage.
Hayley natters away about a web poll, saying the watchers think that Thanksgiving is the number 1 family holiday. Arlene jumps on to the stage and breaks with in: "And what better way than to celebrate with your own famliy? HI! I'm Hayley's mom! I'm today's surprise guest star -- Surprise!!" Hayley IS surprised: "Well, HI, Mom!" She guides Arlene to a seat on stage and says she gets to help her welcome a famed chef (Marcel) from a Pine Valley restaurant who is there to teach them how to make cornbread stuffing [what does cornbread stuffing have to do with fashion?]. Arlene won't be silenced, of course, and she pops up saying who gives a damn about Chef Marcel? She starts to talk about previous Thanksgivings when her husband, Harry Vaughan, used to stuff himself and sit in front of the tube-- The stage crew frantically look through their notes, seeing nothing about Arlene in them. Arlene is loudly talking about Harry undoing his pants and watching football games while Hayley gamely tries to pretend Arlene is not there. Arlene and Hayley loudly talk over each other. Hayley keeps going on about the chef, who has apparently switched jobs in the space of 5 seconds, because she now says he works at Maxim's in Paris. Arlene doesn't want them to cut to a commercial or Chef Marcel. She desperately starts talking about how sorry she is for Hayley's rotten childhood and how she made it all better by marrying Adam, didn't she? Half the children in America want Mom and Dad under the same roof, etc. And she made that dream come true, didn't she? DIDN'T SHE?
While the crew continues to stand there looking perplexed and unsure, Mateo wanders back in, sees what's happening and rushes on-stage to hustle Arlene off-stage. Hayley is near the breaking point as she repeats her welcome to Chef Marcel while Mateo strongarms Arlene to a curtained-off area that has a lot of food, coffee, etc. She fights him and starts to rush back to the stage when Mateo swings her around and dumps a pitcher of ice-water over her head. She shrieks.
Arlene is pissed off and feeling pissed on as she attempts to dry herself with some napkins. Mateo tells her she's lucky that's ALL he did and that she's staying put until the cops come. [I'm still trying to figure out what he thinks they will charge her with. They might find something as far as her interrupting Hayley's show, but what else?] Arlene grins as she thinks she's hit upon a key motivational factor in Mateo's attitude -- she says he hates her because he always has to be in control and he can't control Hayley whenever Arlene is around. Her voice is low and sure of herself as she says: "Well, you know what? She's going to stand by me because she knows -- she knows I love her. Deep down inside, she knows that. But YOU -- you don't KNOW that she'll always love YOU." Mateo: "Please. You think this is some type of competition thing between me and you? You're sick!" Arlene: "Oh, no, Sweetie, there's no competition. A mom's love always wins out in the end. Just watch. Just watch. You go call those cops. You lock me up, you throw away the key. Hayley will stick by me. She always has. No matter how I screw up, no matter how low I sink -- no matter how low I sink, she picks me up, and she puts me to bed like she always has." Mateo asks what, WHAT he could POSSIBLY do to get rid of her -- to make her leave and never come back -- just NAME it! She gives an evil smile, grabs his face and plants a big wet one on him!
He breaks suction and wipes his mouth, telling her she's DISGUSTING! He keeps wiping his mouth with a napkin. She just grins and innocently asks if he didn't like it. Arlene: "Well, you know, Hayley and I are so much alike, I mean, you'd think that if you like the copy you'd LOVE the original." Mateo turns on her and yells that they are NOTHING alike! That's why Arlene is always trying to drag her down -- Hayley has done EVERYTHING with her life and Arlene has done NOTHING! Mateo: "You're the same old loser you've always been! You'll never have what she has!" Arlene gets angry again: "Look, for the record, I am TWICE the woman that Hayley is. And if you're just too much of a wimp to admit it, why don't you ask her last hubby, Alec what's-his-name?" From the doorway, Hayley says: "Ask him what?" [Kelly Ripa's pregnancy has apparently manifested itself by a visit from the breast-fairy, because her breasts are getting bigger by the day.] Arlene looks away with a little self-satisfied, closed-mouth smile.
Arlene tells Hayley that she was just telling Mateo that she and Hayley are so much alike that they even have the same taste [quite literally] in men. Hayley doesn't even care what Arlene is talking about. What she did tonight was UNFORGIVABLE! Arlene is surprised and asks how Hayley could possibly have found out already! Then she realizes that Hayley is not talking about her kissing Mateo and tells him: "Don't worry, Sweetie, she doesn't suspect a thing!" Hayley's voice gets low and gritty as she asks Mateo what Arlene is talking about. Arlene looks like the cat that ate the canary as she urges Mateo to spill. Hayley is now facing him with her back to Arlene. Still tight-lipped, he admits that Arlene kissed him. Arlene brags: "Full on the mouth! I don't know what came over me, Sweetie. I was just -- must have been the stress or something. But I SWEAR to you that it will never happen again, no matter how great the temptation. Right, Mateo?" She grins at the trouble she's causing. Hayley suddenly whirls and wallops Arlene across the face! [THAT was a long time coming!] They glare at each other.
Mateo breaks the tension and takes hold of Hayley's arm, saying it's time to go. They start to stomp off, but Hayley turns and stomps back to Arlene to tell her: "If you EVER touch my husband again, I WILL kill you!"
On the next AMC:
Arlene to Hayley: "You're a pussycat inside. I know that about you. You'd never kill anybody." Adam suddenly appears and says: "What about me, Arlene? You think *I'm* capable of killing you?"
Leo to Bianca: "You're confused, and, you know, this just isn't the way that --" She launches herself into his arms and plants big one on him!
Dixie, standing now and facing David whispers: "That's Tad's car! He's home!" David sulks.
Irreverently submitted,
Robin "Come To Mama" Coutellier
Hayley and Mateo rush onto the set as Hayley anxiously asks if there is any sign of Arlene. Mateo tells her to relax and forget about Arlene, but Hayley is a nervous wreck. She says Arlene is going to keep coming back until Hayley forgives or pretends to forgive her. They are going live in 60 seconds. Hayley rushes onto stage for last minute powder puffs and Mateo leaves for the photo shoot at SOS. Still nervous, Hayley still manages to jump into her on-screen persona and chats about how fast the year has gone, blah, blah, blah. Arlene drunkenly stumbles in off to the side. Hayley talks about fashion and white leather as Arlene drinks from a flask like a person stumbling in from the desert. Arlene proudly watches her daughter and quietly talks toward her: "There she is -- my Hayley. She's got everything she wants. She's rich, famous. A man who loves her. All your dreams came true, didn't they, Sweetie? And now ... it's Mama's turn!" She steps toward the stage.
Hayley natters away about a web poll, saying the watchers think that Thanksgiving is the number 1 family holiday. Arlene jumps on to the stage and breaks with in: "And what better way than to celebrate with your own famliy? HI! I'm Hayley's mom! I'm today's surprise guest star -- Surprise!!" Hayley IS surprised: "Well, HI, Mom!" She guides Arlene to a seat on stage and says she gets to help her welcome a famed chef (Marcel) from a Pine Valley restaurant who is there to teach them how to make cornbread stuffing [what does cornbread stuffing have to do with fashion?]. Arlene won't be silenced, of course, and she pops up saying who gives a damn about Chef Marcel? She starts to talk about previous Thanksgivings when her husband, Harry Vaughan, used to stuff himself and sit in front of the tube-- The stage crew frantically look through their notes, seeing nothing about Arlene in them. Arlene is loudly talking about Harry undoing his pants and watching football games while Hayley gamely tries to pretend Arlene is not there. Arlene and Hayley loudly talk over each other. Hayley keeps going on about the chef, who has apparently switched jobs in the space of 5 seconds, because she now says he works at Maxim's in Paris. Arlene doesn't want them to cut to a commercial or Chef Marcel. She desperately starts talking about how sorry she is for Hayley's rotten childhood and how she made it all better by marrying Adam, didn't she? Half the children in America want Mom and Dad under the same roof, etc. And she made that dream come true, didn't she? DIDN'T SHE?
While the crew continues to stand there looking perplexed and unsure, Mateo wanders back in, sees what's happening and rushes on-stage to hustle Arlene off-stage. Hayley is near the breaking point as she repeats her welcome to Chef Marcel while Mateo strongarms Arlene to a curtained-off area that has a lot of food, coffee, etc. She fights him and starts to rush back to the stage when Mateo swings her around and dumps a pitcher of ice-water over her head. She shrieks.
Arlene is pissed off and feeling pissed on as she attempts to dry herself with some napkins. Mateo tells her she's lucky that's ALL he did and that she's staying put until the cops come. [I'm still trying to figure out what he thinks they will charge her with. They might find something as far as her interrupting Hayley's show, but what else?] Arlene grins as she thinks she's hit upon a key motivational factor in Mateo's attitude -- she says he hates her because he always has to be in control and he can't control Hayley whenever Arlene is around. Her voice is low and sure of herself as she says: "Well, you know what? She's going to stand by me because she knows -- she knows I love her. Deep down inside, she knows that. But YOU -- you don't KNOW that she'll always love YOU." Mateo: "Please. You think this is some type of competition thing between me and you? You're sick!" Arlene: "Oh, no, Sweetie, there's no competition. A mom's love always wins out in the end. Just watch. Just watch. You go call those cops. You lock me up, you throw away the key. Hayley will stick by me. She always has. No matter how I screw up, no matter how low I sink -- no matter how low I sink, she picks me up, and she puts me to bed like she always has." Mateo asks what, WHAT he could POSSIBLY do to get rid of her -- to make her leave and never come back -- just NAME it! She gives an evil smile, grabs his face and plants a big wet one on him!
He breaks suction and wipes his mouth, telling her she's DISGUSTING! He keeps wiping his mouth with a napkin. She just grins and innocently asks if he didn't like it. Arlene: "Well, you know, Hayley and I are so much alike, I mean, you'd think that if you like the copy you'd LOVE the original." Mateo turns on her and yells that they are NOTHING alike! That's why Arlene is always trying to drag her down -- Hayley has done EVERYTHING with her life and Arlene has done NOTHING! Mateo: "You're the same old loser you've always been! You'll never have what she has!" Arlene gets angry again: "Look, for the record, I am TWICE the woman that Hayley is. And if you're just too much of a wimp to admit it, why don't you ask her last hubby, Alec what's-his-name?" From the doorway, Hayley says: "Ask him what?" [Kelly Ripa's pregnancy has apparently manifested itself by a visit from the breast-fairy, because her breasts are getting bigger by the day.] Arlene looks away with a little self-satisfied, closed-mouth smile.
Arlene tells Hayley that she was just telling Mateo that she and Hayley are so much alike that they even have the same taste [quite literally] in men. Hayley doesn't even care what Arlene is talking about. What she did tonight was UNFORGIVABLE! Arlene is surprised and asks how Hayley could possibly have found out already! Then she realizes that Hayley is not talking about her kissing Mateo and tells him: "Don't worry, Sweetie, she doesn't suspect a thing!" Hayley's voice gets low and gritty as she asks Mateo what Arlene is talking about. Arlene looks like the cat that ate the canary as she urges Mateo to spill. Hayley is now facing him with her back to Arlene. Still tight-lipped, he admits that Arlene kissed him. Arlene brags: "Full on the mouth! I don't know what came over me, Sweetie. I was just -- must have been the stress or something. But I SWEAR to you that it will never happen again, no matter how great the temptation. Right, Mateo?" She grins at the trouble she's causing. Hayley suddenly whirls and wallops Arlene across the face! [THAT was a long time coming!] They glare at each other.
Mateo breaks the tension and takes hold of Hayley's arm, saying it's time to go. They start to stomp off, but Hayley turns and stomps back to Arlene to tell her: "If you EVER touch my husband again, I WILL kill you!"
On the next AMC:
Arlene to Hayley: "You're a pussycat inside. I know that about you. You'd never kill anybody." Adam suddenly appears and says: "What about me, Arlene? You think *I'm* capable of killing you?"
Leo to Bianca: "You're confused, and, you know, this just isn't the way that --" She launches herself into his arms and plants big one on him!
Dixie, standing now and facing David whispers: "That's Tad's car! He's home!" David sulks.
Irreverently submitted,
Robin "Come To Mama" Coutellier
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