A Port In A Storm, Part II

Well, it doesn't look like I'll be able to watch the show tonight, either, despite my best intentions, so here are some more reasons why I'm different from and/or it's better to be me than to be a character in Pine Valley:

• I ALWAYS say good-bye when I'm about to hang up the phone (unless it's a telemarketer). I don't just hang up when I'm done talking.

• I'm pretty sure I've never murdered anyone and then forgotten about it. Of course, that doesn't mean I DIDN'T do it and I just don't remember it. There's only just so much room in my brain, after all.
  

• If I were ever planning to ask someone to marry me, I would put it in the form of a question, not a DEMAND.

• I don't feel a need to marry someone just to stick it to someone else.

• I don't yank people around to get them to listen to me. I'm amazed no one in PV has yet to end up with a sprained elbow or dislocated shoulder due to that kind of behavior.

• I've never dumped a 6', 180 lb man down a laundry chute in a Victorian house after knocking him out with a small hand mirror.

• I don't constantly stand up, sit down, turn around and walk away, turn around, walk back, say a couple of words, turn my back on the other person, and then repeat the process when I'm talking to someone who is standing right there.

• I don't have super-sonic hearing that allows me to eavesdrop on conversations in crowded bars or any other crowded room. I have enough trouble hearing what people are saying on TV without be blasted out of my chair when music suddenly starts playing.
  

• I don't mischievously jump into a pond or an ocean in the middle of a winter in Pennsylvania.

• I've never stabbed anyone, although I did once accidentally puncture my hand with an X-acto knife when I was 19.

• I've never jumped, fallen or been pushed out of an airplane over the British Channel, only to wash up 20 minutes later on a beach in Pennsylvania. Or anywhere else.
  

• I've never woken up to find myself pinned against a wall in a cave by a wall of big rocks.
  

• I'm pretty sure there's no such thing as the Pennsylvania Ocean, since Pennsylvania is a landlocked commonwealth.

• I've never been struck by lightning.

• I've never confused a doll for a real baby except for props on TV or from a distance.
  

• I've never had sex on a casino gaming table. I did get a REALLY sore tailbone from having sex on the edge of a cheap couch once, though. Really, try explaining THAT one to the doctor.
  

• I've never seen an isolated cabin in the woods up in the mountains gradually tiptoe down from the mountain-top to the point where it is then located in the middle of town.

• I've never concocted a nefarious drug and fed it to anyone, let alone an entire town.

• If an enemy or even potential enemy kept popping up in my house, I would call 911 AND file a restraining order. I'd also keep pepper spray, a letter opener, a baseball bat and a hammer handy. At the very LEAST I'd squirt the person with my sport-top water bottle.
  

• I don't leave expensive things just sitting around outside while I go sailing.

• If I had ambitions to become a doctor or lawyer, I'm pretty sure I'd have to go to school for several years and work my way up the ladder after that.

• I don't throw other people's cellphones away just to get their attention.

• I don't have something new to wear every day of my life.

• I am not emaciated nor do I have breast implants that look like coconuts glued to my chest. If I DID look like that, I'm pretty sure someone would notice it and look askance.

• If I were to get a shot, stabbed, sliced open or burned, I would have a scar.

• No one has ever knocked ME out, other than an anesthesiologist, and that cost me big bucks.

• Speaking of big bucks, most people I meet are NOT rich. Especially ME. Yet???
  

• I don't faint at the slightest upset or bump on the head.

• If I thought I might be pregnant with a baby other than that of my S.O.'s, and I didn't want anyone else to know, I would not be pulling a pregnancy test out of my purse to stare at and wave it around 50 times a day. It would STAY out of sight until I had a chance to pee on it. In private.

• I don't use a transporter device to get me from one place to the other.

• If I ever WERE planning to shoot someone, I would not be constantly pulling the gun out before the event in order to caress it.

• I don't slap people when I get mad at them. I HAVE been known to give the finger to other drivers when I know they can't see me or at least they can't see the finger.

• I know that if I'm ever put on trial for something, the trial probably won't commence in the next week or two, let alone tomorrow.

• I know that I would not be able to pull together a lavish wedding or party within a day or two.

• If I were ever to knock someone out who was trying to kill me, I would tie them up, escape , or both; I would NOT hang around doing other things when they could come to at any moment. (Contrary to what the soaps may show, most people don't stay knocked out for very long at ALL unless there is a SERIOUS injury involved.)

• If I need to get hold of someone in a hurry, I usually call them. I don't waste time getting in my car and driving across town or into other towns unless I can't reach them any other way.
  

• After the first 4-5 marriages didn't work out, I would probably decide I'm better off alone.

Robin "still storm-tossed" Coutellier