Pine Valley - A Port In A Storm

I AM still here! I've had an eventful week, but hope to catch up on AMC this weekend.

Over the years I've had good times and bad times and through it all I've had All My Children. No matter how stressed I might be in my life, and no matter how many questionable or just plain BAD decisions I've made, at least I'm not as stupid, impractical, rude, vain, crazy, and ridiculous as the denizens of Pine Valley. I can always escape to Pine Valley for 39 minutes and feel superior to it's fictional inhabitants.

For instance:

• If someone tried to murder me, steal my husband, set my house on fire, rape me, push me off a rooftop, poison me, kidnap my baby, steal my money, key my car, get me fired, stalk me, fake being dead to see how I would react, get me hooked on alcohol or drugs, cheat on me, kidnap me, blow up my car, hold me at gunpoint, steal my family heirlooms, actually shoot me, destroy my reputation, put sugar in my gas tank, hurt my child in any way, break into my house, sell my baby, marry someone else while still married to me, tie me to a chair so they can talk to me, set me up for a murder rap, put a bag of flaming poop on my doorstep, plant bugs and other surveillance equipment around my house, blow up my house, try to gaslight me and then have me put in an insane asylum, taunt me at the lowest point in life, raise my baby as their own, and let me think mine was dead, teargas me, destroy my marriage, pull in front of me on the freeway and then slam their brakes on, try to steal my company, fight me for sole custody of my child or swap DNA tests, or just let the air out of my tires, I probably wouldn't still be friends with them, even after a couple of years have gone by,and I certainly wouldn't MARRY them ... AGAIN. Call me unforgiving, but I've been known to hold a grudge on occasion.

• I'm pretty sure I don't have any children that I don't already know about.

• I did NOT still carry my son around after he was 3+ years old unless he NEEDED to be temporarily picked up.

• I don't have any judges in my pocket, and the policemen in my town are generally pretty competent and professional from what I've observed.

• I don't set fires or set off overhead sprinklers and/or fire alarms as diversions. My diversionary tactics mostly consist of encouraging a small child to sing his or her ABC's or to look at something else to distract them or get them to stop crying.

• I don't try to make myself look EXACTLY like someone else and then try to take over their life after throwing that person down a well. Especially if that person is much taller or shorter than me.

• If I were running a multi-national conglomerate, I would probably show up at work occasionally, and I wouldn't hold meetings, give press conferences, set up glamorous photo shoots, launch products or give parties all in the same shabby common office area.

• I've never held a gun on anyone.

• If I ever have a grandchild, I WILL be called Grandma.

• I wouldn't make a 19-year-old who didn't even graduate from high school a CEO or President in one of my corporations.

• I've never poisoned anyone's rice pudding.

• I sure as hell wouldn't be blindly yanking my door open to every single knock or ring, ESPECIALLY after my family members or I have been kidnapped, robbed and/or assaulted more often than then the ice cream truck goes by.

There's lots more, but I'll save that for another day.

Robin "storm-tossed" Coutellier

Tidbit About Ryan's Camel Toe On 7/13/09

I was informed by Mart on R.A.T.S.A. that the male version of a camel toe is called a Moose Knuckle. Thank you, Mart!

The things you learn on the internet!

BC - Mon, 7/13/09

Liza tells Krystal to tell David that if he gets anywhere NEAR her baby, she'll file an injunction against him. Yeah, that'll stop him.

Hmmm, looks like the suggestion I heard was right (was it on RATSA or the Pine Valley Podcast comments?). Jake just offered up a solution of doing a DNA test on the baby to prove it is not Jake's. Amanda doesn't recognize Liza's baby as HER baby. Ergo, that baby is NOT Amanda's baby, and her baby IS somewhere else. Either that or Jake is going to take Krystal's cue and doctor the DNA test. I really hope we don't see HIM leaving the lab tech's office while wiping off his mouth as the tech pulls his pants up in the background. Of course, Jake has also had more than one mysterious phone call in which he seems to be referring to the care of a baby, but it's ambiguous.

I just LOVE how David Canary portrays Adam as always HISSING like a snake. He says: "Well, it's not too far-fetched if you put Zach Slater in the mixssssssssssssssss." He doesn't ALWAYS do it, because that would be overkill. It's like he just throws them out there just to remind us every now and then. LOL!

Is Annie allowed to leave the house unless it's on the grounds? I thought house arrest meant you couldn't go more than a few feet from the house. I know nothing about ankle bracelets used to track arrestees -- do they have to take reasonable precautions not to get it wet (like covering it up for showering)? If so, going into a pool could be problematic. Then again, they wouldn't be very effective if that's all it took. FF to later in the show and I was right about the first part -- the pool IS out-of-bounds for house arrest.

How is Colby planning to feed the baby, considering there's nothing IN the bottle? I can see where she might have gone to fill the bottle and THEN taken the baby from Liza, but it's kind of stupid to try to fill the bottle while holding the baby. And then a few seconds later she comes BACK with the crying baby. I'm assuming he's crying because he STILL hasn't been fed. He gets fed and burped (and possibly diapered) even faster than Randi takes a shower!

Liza can't be Kendall's lawyer. She a) recently slept with Kendall's husband, and b) more importantly, she is ANNIE'S attorney. Annie was also at the mansion that night and is a witness, if not a suspect. Also (on Annie's behalf) Liza is retained by Adam Chandler, whose brother was murdered and who was, himself, the original target. There's a HUGE conflict of interest there, and no court would ever, EVER allow that!

YOWZA! Ryan's sporting quite a man's camel-toe there! When he picked up the bag of whatever it was in the living room the camera slowly panned up from the floor. WTH? Is he wearing some kind of Wonder Thong? Do we really need to see THAT? He looked kind of smug, too, although that's not an unusual expression for Ryan. Here's a screenshot of his camel toe:


How did Adam get up to the Fusion office without taking the elevator that Kendall just used to descend from the office? And if Annie is being grilled by Jesse, why is Adam over at Fusion blasting Erica? Shouldn't he be hovering outside the doors to the living room so he can be there to escort Jesse out when he's done while he huffs, harumphs and hisses? And how did he get all the way to Fusion from the living room while Annie is still standing there talking to Jesse?

Robin "same timewarp, different day" Coutellier

BC - Fri, 7/10/09

Madison tells Zach to come and: "I HAVE something that I think you'll find very INteresting." Was I the only one who thought that the way she said it was a TOTALLY soapy moment? I could easily see that line being said just that way when the two soap characters appear on Craig Ferguson's show.

Are we supposed to believe that Erica and Ryan are too stupid to get out of the sprinklers fast enough AFTER picking up their phones? I mean, REALLY, how wet could they have gotten? Did they REALLY get so soaked that they both needed to completely remove their clothes? They were SPRINKLERS, not opened fire hydrants! Sheesh! And why did they go all the way back to Ryan's place to dry out when Erica has a room right THERE at the Yacht Club? (that's a rhetorical question, as most of my questions ARE)

And speaking of deliberately leaving the phones on the lawn, who DOES that? It's one thing to set them down while you're still THERE, but they went out on a sailboat. ANYONE could have stolen their phones. Considering that they are both Titans Of Industry, you'd think there would be some valuable information on those phones. The phones, themselves were probably expensive, but that wouldn't mean anything to the two TOI. Things like Warren Buffet's private phone number, and God knows what kind of photos, OTOH, could mean quite a bit.

On the subject of watering lawns, why would the Yacht club water the grass smack in the middle of a hot day in July when there are people all over the place instead of in the evening or early morning? I only mention the people being around because water conservation or utility bills would, of course, never occur to them.

Robin "phoning it in" Coutellier

BC - Thu, 7/9/09

I thought it was hilarious how everyone thought it was SOOO strange that Liza didn't want David to TOUCH her child! She didn't want him to see the baby too closely and figure out that it was his child, but SHE was the only one who knew that. Granted, the baby had a fever and David is a doctor, but the hospital is very close to EVERYWHERE in town. I wouldn't want a snake like David anywhere near MY baby, either. I almost cheered when she said that and walked the baby out! I'm just perplexed as to why everyone else is so surprised by it. I mean, hasn't pretty much everyone in TOWN punched the guy at one point or another for being so devious and obnoxious?

If Kendall's trial starts "today", why isn't anyone going to court? If the court can't reach the DA, then they WOULD postpone it, but there's no indication that they know he's missing yet, and everyone is going on about their business.

Wow, when Randi takes a quick shower, she REALLY takes a quick shower! She leaves the room and Zach knocks on the door. In the space of about 20 seconds she's already in the shower, thoroughly drenched (and yet her makeup is PERFECTLY intact, despite the fact that she keeps rubbing her eyes in the throes of guilt and angst). And about 10 seconds after that, Randi, wearing a robe and a towel turban, walks back into the living room . I call TIMEWARP!

Dave, talking to Amanda, ridicules Jake for first dabbling in obstetrics and now in pediatrics. Pot, Kettle.

LOD:
Erica slides herself into Krystal's booth (blocking off any avenue of escape) and the two women exchange barbs. Erica wants to know why David left so quickly. Krystal points out that Jack didn't seem too happy with Erica, either. Erica says that the difference between them is that she doesn't actually NEED to have a man in her life all the time because she has a number of careers that keep her busy. Then she says: "In fact, why don't YOU think about going back to work? Buy a new mattress or something."

Natalia is barely out of the academy (IS she even out yet?), and yet she's notifying someone that her husband is dead? And she's doing it in the middle of a CASINO?

Kendall talks to her little boys (both of whom ignore her completely). She says the next two weeks are going to be VERY busy and she won't be around for a while. Then she says: "But ... I don't want you to worry because ..." at which point I finished the sentence for her "I'm hardly ever around ANYway." They probably WEREN'T worried, until she told them that they WOULD be (although only Spike would have picked up on it).

Erica admires Ryan and goes on and on about how well he's coped with all the horrible things that have happened in the last year. She says: "You've stayed true to yourself all along." Well, he's stayed true to his DICK and his EGO all along. Then she has an epiphany about how wonderful he is and makes goo-goo eyes at him

Robin "I am SO going to hurl" Coutellier

BC - Missed Wednesday's Show

For no apparent reason, my Tivo didn't record Wednesday's show. You can read a recap at Soapnet, though (that's what *I* finally did).

Stay tuned for Thursday's show (assuming it doesn't miss THAT one, too).

BC - Tue, 7/7/09

How old was Randi when Henry North was boffing her? They gave the impression that he's been a DA for a while and that he's been married for a while. Randi is relatively young. Maybe he should arrest himself for statutory rape. For that matter, his WIFE looks fairly young, too. So I looked up the actresses on IMDB and discovered that the actress playing Madison North (Stephanie Gatschet) is 26; the actress playing Randi (Denise Vasi) is 28, so maybe not; except that there is no WAY that the character of Randi is 28, more like 22-23, whereas the character of Madison is ACTING like she's about 30.

Kendall is hiding in Ryan's penthouse. He's surprised and asks her about it. She says she climbed up the fire escape. WTF? His child is routinely kidnapped by her psycho mom, who is currently out on bail (albeit under house arrest -- as if she wouldn't be able to evade them), yet a 90-lb woman can climb up the fire escape and get in??? She apparently climbed back DOWN it again (unless she jumped off and bounced back like Annie). I get the impression that Kendall isn't the bouncy type, though.

Why do these air-headed fashionistas in PV go on the lam while wearing such inappropriate clothes and shoes? Kendall is wearing a dress, FGS! She WAS at home, so why didn't she just change into something suitable for, say, CLIMBING FIRE ESCAPES, before she left?

Damn, that slap Randi gave Henry missed him by quite a few inches.

Jesse is pretty naive and wishy-washy for a police chief. First off, I don't see where the DA was so intolerable to Jesse. He's a nasty piece of work and a PITA, but you'd think a Police Chief could handle the pressure. Now Jesse is going to let a DA push him out of his job? Why does Jesse think there's no way the DA will make him testify if Jesse, in a press conference, says some nasty things about him as his reason for quitting? Hasn't he ever heard of the concept of a "Hostile Witness"?

If Frankie's HANDS were mangled, why is he wearing WRIST braces, but his hands are free, bandage-free and quite useful? I suppose I can see where it would take some strain off of them to keep the wrists straight and keep the blood flowing smoothly, but I don't understand why his hands are so much better and yet HE'S STILL IN THE F**KING HOSPITAL! This reminds me of when Derek Fry was shot in the kneecap during the time Billy Clyde Tuggle kidnapped "my Dixie-bird". Derek was in a hospital bed for at LEAST two months after he had knee surgery. And, of course, many of us remember Natalie (circa 1992 or 1993) being in bed for an interminable amount of time with giant, diamond-shaped bandages over her eyes, leading us to refer to her as Tweety-Nat (played by Melody Anderson, as opposed to Kate Collins). Nothing else was injured, just her eyes.

Well, I guess Jesse quitting (unless he's already done so) over the DA being mean to him and the DA charging himself with statutory rape are moot points NOW.

Robin "is Randi really up to a murder storyline?" Coutellier

BC - Thu, 7/2/09

I still don't buy Adam's relatively good frame of mind after losing Stuart. He hardly seems to be grieving at ALL. Obviously he's setting up Annie to try to get info and possibly nail her (in the criminal sense) for Stuarts death, but the closeness between Adam and Stuart was SO strong that it just seems extremely out-of-character for Adam to not be absolutely grief-stricken for an extended period of time and acting out in a big way. Conning Annie might be considered "acting out", but it just seems way too calm and calculated for someone who is overwhelmed with grief to be doing that at this point.

Well, at least Frankie managed to sit in a chair for a while and even stand up. It still doesn't explain why he's even still there at PVH, but at least it's progress. I mean, REALLY, if he needs his bandages changed by a professional each day, there are home nurses for that.

Ryan frets over how he was unable to protect Greenlee, so how can he protect Kendall? He wonders if he's going to fail his daughter, too. IF?

Who's shaving Frankie? He has some facial hair going on, but it's kind of landscaped.

Kendall is imagining herself on the stand. Only on TV do murderers or accused murderers routinely take the stand. Oh, it happens in real life, too, but RARELY, and only if there is no other POSSIBLE way. It opens the door for just about EVERYTHING you've done in your entire life, and some of it may not be pretty or can be twisted and/or taken out of context. It's better to sit there with your mouth shut, rather than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. The prosecution has to prove the defendant did it. The defense has to throw buckets of shit at the wall and hope some of it sticks. The defendant has to sit quietly and try not to show any emotions. That's the way it works. Trust me, if OJ had taken the stand in the murder trial, he would have been convicted (well, maybe not with THAT braindead jury). If Phil Spector had taken the witness stand in the first trial, he would have been convicted and there would have been no need for a second trial. (Of course, if PS had gotten to a certain someone on the jury, no amount of argument or evidence would have convinced that juror. Gee, that's kind of how the first trial played out, isn't it?) We all would have LIKED to see both of those miscreants testify, but their lawyers knew better than to put them on the stand.

Wow, an actual ALARM went off at Adam's place when Erica came in through the patio doors! I'm SHOCKED!!! Has ANYONE in Pine Valley ever installed a burglar alarm in their homes, despite being kidnapped, assaulted, stalked, etc.? It took them about 25 years just to get some peepholes in SOME of the doors. If they did install one, did they ever use it more than for a single-shot storyline?

Hey, no RIDICULOUS Amanda/Jake/Liza baby storyline today! Cool!

Only in Pine Valley do women (Annie in this case) wear 4"-5" spike heels as bedroom slippers.

Robin "AND manage to easily overpower & attempt to strangle someone while doing so" Coutellier

BC - Wed, 7/1/09

Why does Frankie still have a heart monitor on him? He's well past the recovery room stage of surgery. Wasn't it at LEAST a couple of days ago, if not more? He's young and healthy and there's no reason for him to be in BED or be on a heart monitor. He's not even being heavily sedated, and his fingers are even working well enough to dig into a bag of fast food! There's no reason for him to even be IN the hospital at this point. He can come in for PT, and he's certainly got enough support for people to drive him there as needed. What a wuss! How are we supposed to believe this is the same guy who lived by himself in the woods after returning from Iraq the first time?

The D.A. is going on a weekend getaway? With a possibly CAPITAL murder trial starting on MONDAY? Yeah, RIGHT! And why haven't they decided whether or not it IS a capital murder case yet? Not only would they have to find a death-qualified jury (one that would be willing to convict knowing that the death penalty is a possibility), but also a death-qualified ATTORNEY. Not all criminal lawyers are qualified by the State to be first chair in a capital murder trial. Is Jack death-qualified? Has he even BOTHERED to file any motions in an attempt to delay the start of the trial (not to mention a motion to dismiss)? If she gets convicted, Kendall should get her conviction overturned due to ineffective assistance of counsel.

Much as I hate to admit it, I'm on the D.A.'s side as far as Tad's eyewitness account goes. Even a layperson would be smart enough to point out that he did NOT identify Annie and that his description could fit any number of women, including Kendall. I mean, something THAT obvious would be in the first chapter of of D.A. Tips For Dummies. And Ryan continually yammering on to anyone who will listen that Tad DEFINITIVELY identified the woman as Annie is getting on my last nerve. Tad did NOT say that. He said it COULD have been her. Maybe. He wasn't even REMOTELY sure of it! That said, why is he NOW growing scruples when it comes to testifying? He's a master at lying to the court, tampering with, and even FABRICATING evidence, so why stop NOW? So what if he told the D.A. one thing. He can STILL testify to something else when in court. There was no court reporter in the D.A.'s office, so it's not on record. The D.A. probably recorded it, but it wouldn't be admissible in court. To play it anyway, as the judge ineffectually pounds his gavel, could result in a mistrial, so it would NOT be in the D.A.'s best interests to do that. Of course, Jack would be too ineffective to ASK for a mistrial.

Tad and Jake tell Amanda that they were talking about the lungs on Liza's new baby. Tad says he's got quite a set of pipes on him and he's breaking decibel levels every day. Every DAY? Hello? Is anyone HOME in there? The baby was born LAST NIGHT!!! And Amanda LIVES IN THE SAME HOUSE!!! There is clearly a hole ripped into the time-space continuum in Pine Valley.

Do you think that the writers use acronyms for the scripts. Do they write "BUS" whenever they want an actor to say "beef up security"? They certainly use that phrase a lot, despite the fact that there are more holes in PV security than there are grains of sand on a beach.

Robin "Does Randi ever talk to Carmen anymore?" Coutellier

BC - Mon-Tue, 6/9-30/09

Is it just me, or does Jake's bag full of miscellaneous crap look like a great big condom?

Are we ever going to find out where the baby has been stashed all this time, and with whom?

Why did David come into the house (TAD'S house) with Krystal when he brought her home? For the sake of the plot, it was for him to hear the baby cry, of course, but then they just dropped it, so what was up with that?

I really HATE it when soap birth-mothers are forced to endure seeing their own baby and don't know that it IS their own baby. That's a REALLY crappy thing to do! I hated it when Erica deliberately paraded baby Maddy in front of Maria, and I hate that TPTB are doing it now to Amanda! It's CRUEL! And don't even get me STARTED on awkwardly dangling a tiny baby through the basement window when it's clear they can't quite reach each other, and Tad can barely fit the baby and his arms through the window! Who would DO that? I don't care HOW important they think it is to fake a baby's birth, that was endangering the baby's life, plain and simple (yes, I DO realize they were using a prop baby for that scene)! Shades of Michael Jackson! I find this entire storyline not only immensely S.T.U.P.I.D, but downright D.E.S.P.I.C.A.B.L.E!

People burst in, sneak in, skulk around, and attempt to murder, kidnap or assault other people in Adam's home on a regular basis. Erica and Ryan were JUST chased out of there a short time ago after bursting in on Annie and Adam while Annie was holding a gun on Adam. When Erica starts skulking around AGAIN and makes noise, Annie asks what it was. Given the revolving door of mayhem and deceit in that house, why does she then believe Adam when he says it's nothing and probably just a small animal? She barely gives a glance in Erica's direction! Or DID she realize someone was out there?

Tad KNOWS that having the baby in the house is KILLING Amanda, so why did he tell Liza to "stay as long as you need"? We need Debbie Novotny (Michael's Mom on Queer As Folk) to slap Tad upside the head! And we need her to slap JAKE upside the head with BOTH hands!

If the D.A.'s wife knows Zach is trying to dig up dirt on her husband, why is she gambling at HIS establishment? Surely there are other casinos in the area, and there HAVE to be conflict-of-interest issues with that. Ah, she not-so-secretly wants to sabotage her husband in the guise of standing up for and bragging about him, thus giving information to the "enemy".

It always cracks me up how quickly murder trials (or ANY trials, for that matter) are held in Pine Valley.

Why did COLBY have to go after Amanda to see if she was okay (after Amanda held and fed the baby)? JAKE should have done that, but instead he stays with Liza and grimaces about how Liza screwed everything up. Jake is SUCH a clueless, insensitive TWIT!

Robin "RUTH! Come over here right NOW & slap that boy silly!" Coutellier